Scenes from a pitch meeting in 1956 juxtaposed with scenes from a pitch meeting in 2016


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CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 1956

Several MEN IN SUITS (50’s and 60’s)  sit at a table. They chain smoke cigarettes as if they think cigarettes are good for you.

Come to think of it, they probably do think that.

A WRITER (40’s) enters and sits down.

GREY SUIT: Here. Have a cigarette.

WRITER (lighting his own cigarette): No thanks, I brought my own.

BLACK SUIT: I like the cut of this guy’s jib.

GREY SUIT: So we’re looking for something no one has ever seen before. Something that will shock America and make the housewives go: “Heavens to Betsy!”

BLACK SUIT: What do you have?

The writer takes a long drag and then smiles.

WRITER: A horse…

The Writer exhales his smoke. The Suits hang on his every word.

WRITER: That can talk.

The Suits blink rapidly. They’re programming is overloaded.

BLACK SUIT: A horse… that can talk?

WRITER: Yes.

Blinking intensifies.

Finally…

GREY SUIT: Jesus fucking christ.

Black suit grabs a BRIEFCASE from beneath the CONFERENCE TABLE.

Grey Suit picks up a phone.

GREY SUIT (into phone): Get me the head of the network. I’ve got something he’s got to… he’s just… GET HIM ON THE GODDAMN LINE.

BLACK SUIT (sliding briefcase): Here’s a million dollars.

The writer takes the briefcase and lights a cigarette.

They all light more cigarettes.

CURTAIN DOWN

CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 2016

Several MEN IN SUITS (50’s and 60’s)  sit at a table. They chain drink bottles of ARTISANAL JUICE and KOMBUCHA as if they think ARTISANAL JUICE and KOMBUCHA are good for you.

Come to think of it, they probably do think that.

A half deflated blow up FEMALE EXECUTIVE leans casually in the corner. There is a good deal of dust on her shoulders. She hasn’t been touched in quite some time, but does technically count as a woman in the office.

A WRITER (40’s) enters and sits down.

GREY SUIT: Here, have an artisanal juice or kombucha.

WRITER (opening his own kale, red pepper and lemongrass juice) No thanks. I brought my own.

BLACK SUIT: I like the cut of this guy’s jib.

GREY SUIT: So we’re looking for something no one has ever seen before. Something that will shock America and make the millenials say: “I’m lit!”

BLACK SUIT: What do you have?

The writer takes a long quaff and then smiles.

WRITER: A horse…

The Writer sets down his bottle. The suits hang on his every word.

WRITER: That can talk.

The Suits blink rapidly. They’re programming is overloaded.

BLACK SUIT: A horse… that can talk?

WRITER: Yes.

Blinking intensifies.

GREY SUIT: Are you stupid or something?

BLACK SUIT: That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

GREY SUIT: A horse that can talk! What they fuck are you talking about?

BLACK SUIT: I wish you were a horse so you couldn’t talk.

GREY SUIT: We would shoot you when you broke your leg and open a goddamned glue factory.

The Writer recoils from the verbal typhoon. He scrambles for something to say.

WRITER: Um! He’s also an alcoholic!

The Suits blink.

GREY SUIT: Go on.

WRITER: And he suffers from depression and… he used to be a star of a Full House type show and… and… everyone is animals too!

The suits frown.

WRITER: WAIT! WAIT! Only, like, half of everyone else. And also we’ll get that kid from breaking bad to play someone.

Blinking intensifies

Finally…

GREY SUIT: Jesus fucking christ.

Black suit grabs a BRIEFCASE from beneath the CONFERENCE TABLE.

Grey Suit picks up a phone.

GREY SUIT (into phone): Get me the head of the network. I’ve got something he’s got to… he’s just… GET HIM ON THE GODDAMN LINE.

BLACK SUIT (sliding briefcase): Here’s a million dollars.

The writer takes the briefcase and opens a bottle of Kombucha.

They all open more bottles of kombucha.

CURTAIN DOWN

CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 1956

Same set up as before.

WRITER: It’s about cops.

GREY SUIT: Yeah, okay, but what do they do?

WRITER: They solve…

He takes a long drag. The suits hang on his every word.

WRITER: Crimes.

BLACK SUIT: Here’s a million dollars.

CURTAIN DOWN

CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 2016

Same set up as before.

WRITER: It’s about cops.

GREY SUIT: Yeah, okay, but what do they do?

WRITER: They solve…

He takes a long drink. The suits hang on his every word.

WRITER: Crimes.

Blinks.

GREY SUIT: Are you stupid?

BLACK SUIT: Where’s the hook? What’s the angle?

GREY SUIT: I wish you were a crime that cops had to solve.

BLACK SUIT: A murder.

GREY SUIT: Maybe we should kill you. With a hook.

BLACK SUIT: Or an angle.

WRITER: Wait, wait! The cops have… Amnesia! And everything they used to know is tattooed on their bodies like that one movie… Momento.

BLACK SUIT: Here’s a million dollars.

CURTAIN DOWN

CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 1956

WRITER: It’s about a guy and his wacky family. That famous, overweight guy will be in it.

BLACK SUIT: Here’s a million dollars.

CURTAIN DOWN

CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 2016

WRITER: It’s about a guy and his wacky family. That famous, overweight guy will be in it.

BLACK SUIT: Here’s a million dollars.

CURTAIN DOWN

END

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A Golden Age is Dawning


Some of you, my dear readers, may have noticed a sudden resurgence of interest in blogging on corngoblin.wordpress.com.  Some of you may have not, but that’s ok, I don’t blame you, I blame your lack of perceptiveness.  Before the tabloids begin to have a field day, let me lay to rest once and for all the rumors that have been floating around of the coming of a golden age here on corngoblin.wordpress.com.  You might want to put on your safety goggles, because I’m about to blow your mind.  If you don’t know how to put on goggles, the doctor is here to demonstrate:

See? It as easy as pronouncing Raxacoricofallapatorius!

IT’S ALL TRUE.  ALL OF IT.

We are entering a golden age here at corngoblin.wordpress.com, or at least that’s what the experts at MIT and Cambridge think, and who am I to argue with experts?  Four posts in just as many days is no coincidence, they say.  It is in fact classic evidence of a golden age, just like the one in Greece that one time!  In honor of this auspicious happening I am now going to assemble list of some of my favorite things.  It won’t be a complete list mind you, but I’m planning on updating it regularly.  Oh, and if you’ve found your way here because I liked or commented one of your posts, I’d like you to know that yes I did in fact read it.  It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.  So, if you agree with what I say, feel free to comment.  If you disagree, feel even more free to comment.  If you don’t care, feel even more even more free to comment.  And lastly, if you TL;DR, then you can just go back to your troll cave sir, and cry yourself to sleep as you are want to do.

My Favorite Movie

If you argue, then I have just one thing to say to you: Ni!

I lik funny things, and lads who work at conrgoblin.wordpress.com and I agree that Monty Python and the Holy Grail is about the funniest damn thing we have ever seen.  Not convinced this is a great movie?  Oh, ok.  Maybe rotten tomatoes can convince you.  A 95%?  Even Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked didn’t get a 95%, and some kid at the mall told me that movie was “fucking awesome, bro!”  Every scene in this movie is hilarious, and could be a skit in its own right, but the movie doesn’t feel like it’s a bunch of skits loosely strung together, it feels like a real movie.  And I think that’s the true beauty of the film.  It was made with no budget, and never takes itself seriously.  I even went to an interview for the writing program at the Florida State Film School and said that Monty Python and the Holy Grail was my favorite movie at all time.  They laughed.  One of them went so far as to say “bold!” while shaking her head.  They didn’t let me in, but I’m sure it had more to do with the absolute state of bowl releasing terror i was in during the interview than Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  And even if it was the movie’s fault, who cares?  It’s only a flesh wound!

My Favorite TV Show

Ok, first off, let me say this was a hard one.  I really, really, really like arrested development.  But there’s one thing about Futurama that makes it my favorite show: the writers can write whatever the fuck they want.  There is literally nothing holding them back.  Futurama is set in a crazy magically advanced future world with no rules.  It’s beautiful.  Wanna assassinate Hitler?  No problem, time machine.  Want to have celebrity appearance?  All of their heads are preserved in a museum.  Want to do anything else?  Time travel, infinite planets, extra dimensions; they have it all.  It’s like going to a cafeteria salad bar only to find out that the shitty lettuce has been replaced with every beer on the planet.  And its all free.  That’s Futurama.  Deal with it.

deal with it

Favorite Soda

It’s got 23 flavors.  I mean, come on!  Nothing has 23 flavors.

Favorite Toaster

 toaster that makes eggs

This one.  You can cook eggs and toast stuff at the same time!  What’s not to like?  You know, unless you are allergic to eggs or something.  Can you be allergic to toast?

Favorite Historical Thing That Can Also be a Halloween Costume

Vikings are as awesome as Pirates, and they have a crazy awesome battle religion to boot.  Plus, everyone dresses up as pirates.  Hardly anyone dresses up as vikings.  It’s probably because they’re scared to.

Favorite Element

Not only is francium all the way down on the bottom of the table of elements, but it’s also the most unstable naturally occurring element.  This means that if vikings were an element, they would be francium.  Vikings conquered parts of France(ium) didn’t they?  Answer: yes, yes they did.  My logic is irrefutable.

Favorite Medieval Torture Device

The Iron Maiden.  It’s also one of my favorite bands.

Favorite Fantasy Race

goblin

Goblins, duh.  Have you not read my blogs name?

Hopefully this list sparked some interest.  What are your favorite things in these categories?  Comment your answers, and we can argue and ruin each others day.  It’ll be just like the league of legends forums.  Dr. Who knows what I’m talking about.

dr who yell

Here is Subzero, now Plainzero!


I have been aware for quite some time that there is a death metal band out there called “Austrian Death Machine” that made a song clalled “Get to the Choppa,” like the famous line Arnold said in Predator. And yet, even with my fantastic brain, I did not know how awesome the band truly was until today.  Here’s there album cover

...lol

Here are the tracks off that album:

  1. “Hello California” – 1:25
  2. “Get to the Choppa” – 2:47 (Quote from Predator)
  3. “Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers” – 2:23 (Quote from Last Action Hero)
  4. “All of the Songs Sound the Same” – 0:13
  5. “I Am a Cybernetic Organism, Living Tissue Over (Metal) Endoskeleton” – 3:34 (Quote from Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  6. “Come with Me If You Want to Live” – 3:46 (Quote from Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  7. “What It’s Like to Be a Singer at Band Practice” – 1:18
  8. “Who Is Your Daddy, And What Does He Do?” – 3:11 (Quote from Kindergarten Cop)
  9. “You Have Just Been Erased” – 2:21 (Quote from Eraser)
  10. “Broo-Tall Song Idea” – 0:39
  11. “Here Is Subzero, Now Plain Zero” – 3:08 (Quote from The Running Man)
  12. “So Far, So Good, So Let’s Talk About It” – 0:42
  13. “Screw You (Benny)” – 2:49 (Quote from Total Recall)
  14. “Why?” – 0:25 (reference to Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  15. “If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It” – 3:43 (Quote from Predator)
  16. “It’s Not a Tumor” – 3:16 (Quote from Kindergarten Cop)
  17. “Not So Hidden Track” – 2:49

So incase it wasn’t already apparent, Austrian Death Machine is a death metal band based completely around bad Arnold Schwarzeneggar puns.  Clearly this is the most awesome band in existence ever.  How could it possibly get better?

Oh wait….

it does

Not only is Austrian Death Machine the pet project of one of my favorite death metal singers (read screamers), As I Lay Dying vocalist Tim Lambesis, it turns out that Tim does absolutely everything in death machine: Drums, base, guitars, vocals etc.  One guy.  As far as extra help goes, he only brings in a guy that sounds like arnold to do some voice work and celeb guitarists for solos.  Now i know what your thinking, “If this post had any more arnold related awesomeness in it, my brain might explode from Awsoverloadsomeness!”  Well get ready to hire a maid, because your about to have some dirty walls

That video has probably left you speechless.  I know I am.  Thats why I’m blogging.  I think Samford needs to stop doing plays like the Odd Couple or Thoroughly Modern Millie and needs to do more plays completely based around Arnold Schwarzeneggar.  In fact, I think most things that I don’t like would be better if the Arnold from the 80’s were in them.  Take Two and a Half Men.  How much better would it be if instead of whoever is Charlie Sheen’s brother being Charlie Sheen’s brother, it was Arnold Schwarzegger?  And Arnold’s Son, the original “half” mentioned in the title, was also Arnold Scwarzeneggar?  In case you need to brush up on your arnold puns, watch this.

Good now you’re ready.

*****

Scene opens in Charlie Sheen’s opulent casa.  Arnold is sitting in a chair and Charlie is at the piano.

Charlie: Hey I need you to leave tonight, since I am such a successful whatever and have women over all the time.  I have some woman coming over who was attracted to me because of my money and boyish charm!

Arnold: But I was going to teach my son, Arnold, how to kill things tonight.

Charlie: My house, my rules.

Arnold (screaming in rage as he lunges at Charlie): NYAAAAAHHHH!!!

Charlie (panicked): Arnold, calm down!  We’d go somewhere else but my car is broken!

Arnold walks over to a window overlooking the cliff Sheen’s house sits on .

Arnold (Smiling wryly/insanely): Need a lift?

Arnold hurls Charlie Sheen out the window to his horrible doom, luaghign maniacly.  He turns to little arnold, who has been watching the whole time.

Arnold: In the 30 years ive known him, thats the fastest he’s ever fallen for a girl!

The both laugh, along with the studio audience.  End Scene

*******

As you can see, my version of the show is approximately 45 BILLION times better than the original and would be a lot cheaper to produce, seeing as there would be only one episode that would last about 4 minutes.  Since this is already the most popular show on TV, according to advertisements I saw for it, my new version would be so popular that TV would probably be cancelled forever, because, you know, why bother anymore?

Or hey, what about Jersey Shore with Arnold?

*******

Scene opens with the situation up in Arnold’s grill.  They are on the roof or something.  I dunno… I’ve never watched this show. Whatever.

Situation: You wanna see the situation (points to his abs)

Arnold (smiling): You’re a funny guy situation.  I like you (suddenly changes to a serious face) that’s why i’m going to kill you last.

Situation (spitting in Arnold’s face): That’s the situation

Arnold (Grabbing situation by the neck and hoisting him over the roof): NYAAAHHHH!!!!

Situation: But i thought you said you were going to kill me last!

Arnold: I lied.

(Drops situation)

Rest of jersey shor crew shows up on the roof.  Things are very tense/awkward.

Arnold (smiling) Allow me to break the ice.

One of the characters…i dont know who…i doesnt really matter…snookie or whatever: You… You Killed the situation!

Arnold: I did nothing!  The pavement was his enemy!

End Scene

In case it is unclear to you by now, literally everything is better with the Arnold in it.  I find putting arnold in stuff he’s not meant to be in is absolutely hilarious, so ill do more of it later.

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