Scenes from a pitch meeting in 1956 juxtaposed with scenes from a pitch meeting in 2016


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CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 1956

Several MEN IN SUITS (50’s and 60’s)  sit at a table. They chain smoke cigarettes as if they think cigarettes are good for you.

Come to think of it, they probably do think that.

A WRITER (40’s) enters and sits down.

GREY SUIT: Here. Have a cigarette.

WRITER (lighting his own cigarette): No thanks, I brought my own.

BLACK SUIT: I like the cut of this guy’s jib.

GREY SUIT: So we’re looking for something no one has ever seen before. Something that will shock America and make the housewives go: “Heavens to Betsy!”

BLACK SUIT: What do you have?

The writer takes a long drag and then smiles.

WRITER: A horse…

The Writer exhales his smoke. The Suits hang on his every word.

WRITER: That can talk.

The Suits blink rapidly. They’re programming is overloaded.

BLACK SUIT: A horse… that can talk?

WRITER: Yes.

Blinking intensifies.

Finally…

GREY SUIT: Jesus fucking christ.

Black suit grabs a BRIEFCASE from beneath the CONFERENCE TABLE.

Grey Suit picks up a phone.

GREY SUIT (into phone): Get me the head of the network. I’ve got something he’s got to… he’s just… GET HIM ON THE GODDAMN LINE.

BLACK SUIT (sliding briefcase): Here’s a million dollars.

The writer takes the briefcase and lights a cigarette.

They all light more cigarettes.

CURTAIN DOWN

CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 2016

Several MEN IN SUITS (50’s and 60’s)  sit at a table. They chain drink bottles of ARTISANAL JUICE and KOMBUCHA as if they think ARTISANAL JUICE and KOMBUCHA are good for you.

Come to think of it, they probably do think that.

A half deflated blow up FEMALE EXECUTIVE leans casually in the corner. There is a good deal of dust on her shoulders. She hasn’t been touched in quite some time, but does technically count as a woman in the office.

A WRITER (40’s) enters and sits down.

GREY SUIT: Here, have an artisanal juice or kombucha.

WRITER (opening his own kale, red pepper and lemongrass juice) No thanks. I brought my own.

BLACK SUIT: I like the cut of this guy’s jib.

GREY SUIT: So we’re looking for something no one has ever seen before. Something that will shock America and make the millenials say: “I’m lit!”

BLACK SUIT: What do you have?

The writer takes a long quaff and then smiles.

WRITER: A horse…

The Writer sets down his bottle. The suits hang on his every word.

WRITER: That can talk.

The Suits blink rapidly. They’re programming is overloaded.

BLACK SUIT: A horse… that can talk?

WRITER: Yes.

Blinking intensifies.

GREY SUIT: Are you stupid or something?

BLACK SUIT: That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

GREY SUIT: A horse that can talk! What they fuck are you talking about?

BLACK SUIT: I wish you were a horse so you couldn’t talk.

GREY SUIT: We would shoot you when you broke your leg and open a goddamned glue factory.

The Writer recoils from the verbal typhoon. He scrambles for something to say.

WRITER: Um! He’s also an alcoholic!

The Suits blink.

GREY SUIT: Go on.

WRITER: And he suffers from depression and… he used to be a star of a Full House type show and… and… everyone is animals too!

The suits frown.

WRITER: WAIT! WAIT! Only, like, half of everyone else. And also we’ll get that kid from breaking bad to play someone.

Blinking intensifies

Finally…

GREY SUIT: Jesus fucking christ.

Black suit grabs a BRIEFCASE from beneath the CONFERENCE TABLE.

Grey Suit picks up a phone.

GREY SUIT (into phone): Get me the head of the network. I’ve got something he’s got to… he’s just… GET HIM ON THE GODDAMN LINE.

BLACK SUIT (sliding briefcase): Here’s a million dollars.

The writer takes the briefcase and opens a bottle of Kombucha.

They all open more bottles of kombucha.

CURTAIN DOWN

CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 1956

Same set up as before.

WRITER: It’s about cops.

GREY SUIT: Yeah, okay, but what do they do?

WRITER: They solve…

He takes a long drag. The suits hang on his every word.

WRITER: Crimes.

BLACK SUIT: Here’s a million dollars.

CURTAIN DOWN

CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 2016

Same set up as before.

WRITER: It’s about cops.

GREY SUIT: Yeah, okay, but what do they do?

WRITER: They solve…

He takes a long drink. The suits hang on his every word.

WRITER: Crimes.

Blinks.

GREY SUIT: Are you stupid?

BLACK SUIT: Where’s the hook? What’s the angle?

GREY SUIT: I wish you were a crime that cops had to solve.

BLACK SUIT: A murder.

GREY SUIT: Maybe we should kill you. With a hook.

BLACK SUIT: Or an angle.

WRITER: Wait, wait! The cops have… Amnesia! And everything they used to know is tattooed on their bodies like that one movie… Momento.

BLACK SUIT: Here’s a million dollars.

CURTAIN DOWN

CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 1956

WRITER: It’s about a guy and his wacky family. That famous, overweight guy will be in it.

BLACK SUIT: Here’s a million dollars.

CURTAIN DOWN

CURTAIN UP

INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY – 2016

WRITER: It’s about a guy and his wacky family. That famous, overweight guy will be in it.

BLACK SUIT: Here’s a million dollars.

CURTAIN DOWN

END

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5 Comments

  1. lisabrock

     /  September 14, 2016

    I love this!

    Reply
  2. Reblogged this on West Coast Review and commented:
    Listen to the horse…

    Reply
  3. Made me laugh. Very droll.

    Reply
  4. Excellent! Really hilarious! My favorite feature was cigarettes and drink bottles. It was amazing to read. https://inesepogalifeschool.com/

    Reply

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