Dogs and Babies Are The Same Thing


dumb ass dogs

My family is a dog family.  My parents have a golden retriever.  My sister has a pug.  If I were able to afford to feed another being other than myself, I would probably have a dog too.  Well, maybe if I didn’t live in LA.

Los Angeles must be hell for dogs.  Their acute hearing must ring with every horn honk and fire truck siren, the stenches of human secretion and garbage that grace the streets must ravage their sensitive noses.  The hundred-degree concrete can’t be good for their paw pads, and the only grass in my neighborhood is already so full of poop that it basically is poop.

Careless dog owners leave the poop.  I like to imagine they think they are doing the grass a service.  In this drought-ridden land, where water is scarce and sprinklers are basically outlawed, dog poop might be the only moisture the grass gets.  In their minds, I think, they are keeping LA green with a little bit of brown.

The poop thing doesn’t really bother me.  I live in an apartment.  It’s not my grass, and after my second or third venture into a plot of turf, I’ve learned just not to walk on the stuff.  City dogs don’t bother me, either.  They’re always on leashes and seem so blasé about every new stimulus they come across that I feel sorry for them.  Here comes a doberman pincher, its face droopy with ennui.  A squirrel crosses his path, and the doberman merely watches it trot along before wandering over to a three inch by five inch tuft of scrub to defecate.  Back it goes, into a tiny studio apartment, to sit on a couch and watch re-runs of Law and Order while it’s owner asks it for notes on her audition.

“Yeah, I wanted that line to be ‘bark’, but what if I tried it less ‘bark'”?

The only dogs that bother me are the dogs that people bring into the mall.  If I had to make a list of places where dogs don’t belong, the mall would be included, along with hospitals and the surface of the sun.

I saw one urinate on some of our fake plants one time.  Its owner told him “good boy” and then just walked away.  I’m supposed to call someone when this happens.  Mall security, I think.  I never do, though.  It’s not my fake plant.

Sometimes, when I can’t fall asleep, I wonder if dogs poop in the fake plants.  It’s why I don’t use the escalators anymore.  They’re just too close.

The only thing worse than dogs are babies.  You would think that babies wouldn’t be as bad.  You can leave a dog at home.  You can’t really leave your baby at home.  Babies are only good at a few things, and finding creative ways to injure themselves seems to be one of them.  “I have no idea how she fell down the trash chute, officer.  I had only popped over to the mall to walk my dog for an hour or, so.  Honestly, how did she have the time?”

Babies are worse because dogs eventually get tired of making noise.  Babies never do.  More often than not, I’ll be on register, writing down someone’s very berry hibiscus refresher on a trenta cup (no ice, extra berries), and a baby will be wailing.  It’s impossible to discern where the noise comes from.  There are dozens of strollers in line, and dozens more waiting for drinks.  Strollers prowl the walkways and block the elevator.  Strollers gently rise up and down on escalators, and jam up the exit routes.  If there were a fire, only people who ran hurdles in high school would be able to make it to safety.  The strollers would foil the rest of us.

I was cleaning the stores lobby when a baby barked at me.  I turned to its stroller, and it wasn’t a baby.  It was a dog.  The dog smiled, wagged it’s tale, and barked again.  It must have been two or three, and seemed to be in perfect health.  Its owner turned and looked at me.  The expression on her face said “well, aren’t you going to complement my dog?”

I looked next to her, where another woman stood behind her stroller.  There was a baby in her’s, and a young couple were fawning over it.

And that’s when I got it.

You don’t bring your baby or your dog to the mall for their enjoyment, or health, or benefit at all.  You don’t take them because you can’t leave them home.

You bring them because it makes you special.  It sets you apart from the rest of us.  Your a mother, or a father, a caretaker of some kind.  You want to be complemented.

You’re showing off.  That’s why you bought the bright pink, two thousand dollar stroller that has a mini AC in it.

The dog owner was still looking at me.  Her face still longed for validation.

I gave in.

“Dogs aren’t allowed in the mall” I told her.

She blinked.

Thirty minutes later, my shift ended, and I got to go home, to blissfully continue my life, free of both babies and dogs.

Because, really.  Can you tell the difference?

dog and baby

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25 Comments

  1. Love the picture. That baby’s going to grow up to be Winston Churchill – I can see him (him?) in a boiler suit with a cigar. Your post made me snort with laughter, and I very rarely laugh, let alone snort. I’m a multi-cat person myself but I’m sure if I could find a multi-cat buggy to put them in I would push them around the mall with pride and let them pee in the plastic plants. Well done, you.

    Reply
  2. Babies nor dogs should be allowed in nice restaurants either.

    Reply
  3. I like dogs…and babies. I’ve always wanted one of each. At this point I think I’m over that. Thanks for the good laugh.

    Reply
  4. Thought stolen. People feeding their lapdog or (how utterly uncouth of me) breastfeeding their infant in a fancy restaurant. Why? Maybe now that more and more places don’t permit smoking, they should have a dog/baby seating ability.

    Reply
  5. Strollers have AC now?!

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  6. Great post, and loved the picture. I love dogs. 🙂

    Reply
  7. pixieannie

     /  September 16, 2015

    Fantastic. I loved every word. Humorous to the last.

    Reply
  8. HHahahaa true that! Cute picture though

    Reply
  9. Hilarious. Loved the part when you said, “Dogs aren’t allowed in the mall.” I expected a compliment but got an even better gem! The owner’s face must have been priceless.

    Reply
  10. lol, love it. I was at a Commando’s memorial in Scotland and signs all over: No dogs allowed. Two people were walking their dogs all over the place. I really hadn’t noticed the signs, just the dogs, until I heard a man say to his wife in his delightful Scottish brogue, “No dogs allowed,” in a disgusted way, not to the people who were walking the dogs, but just to his wife, a commentary on life. Sad, really. Dogs are allowed in restaurants and elsewhere in Scotland, which to me seems so foreign. But at one of the castle ruins, the ticket seller said to a couple with two English Springer Spaniels, “Sorry, no dogs allowed,” and I was glad. Can you imagine the dogs scent-marking the castle inside and out to claim their territory over all the dogs that in ancient times roamed the halls?

    Reply
  11. prettyinplaydough

     /  March 18, 2016

    As much as I adore this post, you could not be more wrong! I have a basset hound – he has world’s loudest bark – and he used to howl from the moment I left him to the moment I arrived home again. Once it was for an unavoidable ten hours straight.
    My baby, on the other hand, is the quietest person I have ever met! She grins at everyone constantly but rarely cries.
    That being said, I would love to go to the mall with just my dog.

    Reply
  12. If those hairs on the puppy rubs up against that that toddler he won’t be very happy…
    —smile—

    Reply
  13. Thanks for a good laugh!

    Reply

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