Machete Kills


Half-Assed Reviews Presents:

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Machete Kills

Machete kills is the second part of the epic three part biopic of Danny Trejo’s life.  Danny Trejo is Machete, a man who can only express love through murder, and let me tell you, he’s got a whole lot of love.

HERE’S MY SHORT REVIEW:

It’s not good.  Don’t go see it.  C-/10.

BUT WAIT: If you can get it for free by either netflix or *cough cough* other means, it’s totally worth watching, but I wouldn’t recommend spending your money on it.  You worked for your money man.  Show yourself some respect, like by purchasing the new Triple Steak Stack from Taco Bell.  Triple Steak: Triple Flavor.

Taco Bell, Live Mas.

Live Mas

SO. MUCH. FLAVOR

Machete kills suffers because, honestly, it’s a great idea for a movie trailer, but that’s all it is: a movie trailer stretched out to 107 goddamn minutes.

Go ahead and watch that 50 times.  It’s just like watching the actual film.

NOW CHECK THESE SPOILERS

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Machete kills starts off with Machete in the desert or something.  Oh wait, he and Jessica Alba are on a mission, and then some masked dude who totally isn’t mel gibson shoots jessica alba with a laser gun.

Machete gets kidnapped by some white people who try to hang him, but it’s impossible to hang Danny Trejo, so he lives long enough to get called by The President who tells who to go kill some terrorist in mexico who has a missile that’s pointed straight at washington.

Machete goes to a whore house run by BIG MACHINE GUN BOOBS

MACHETE KILLS

Big machine gun boobs tries to kill him for like no reason, and so machete dips out with her daughter, who is the terrorist’s paramour.  They meet up with the terrorist, who kills the daughter and is like LOL cause he has a split personality, half crazy, half not crazy.  Unfortunately, this whole movie is fucking crazy, so you can’t really tell when the terrorist is crazy or normal.

Meanwhile we’re introduced to the Chameleon, who is an assassin, and goes after Machete.  He at first is the guy from Justified, but then turns into the second worst career decision Cuba Gooding Jr. ever made.

MC2-DF-06187.CR2

At least it isn’t Snow Dogs…

Oh god...

Oh god…

So yeah, Machete learns that the terrorist has a bomb on his heart and if he dies then the missile will fire, so Machete has to bring him across the border to Mel Gibson, who we have totally yet to meet and who can  defuse the bomb.

Big machine gun boobs, the chameleon, and literally everyone else in mexico chases Machete, but Machete beats them all and they get across the border.  Then mel gibson shows up and kills the terrorist an kidnaps machete.

We learn that mel gibson was hanging out in space and then something weird happened and he can predict the future.  He wants to blow up the world and rebuild it, cause that’s a good idea.

Oh, and the Chameleon is Lady GaGa now.

hr_Machete_Kills_lady_gaga

 

Oh, wait, I mean at this point the Chameleon has turned into Antonio Banderas

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I swear I’m not making any of this up.

Anyway, Mel Gibson wants Machete to clone him, but Machete don’t clone, and so he escapes and meets up with TOUGH EYEPATCH GIRL, and they gather all the mexicans and attack Mel Gibson.

Tough Girl

Tough Girl

Mel gibson kidnaps Tough Girl and flies up into space, thusly setting up the movie MACHETE KILLS, IN SPACE.

Honestly, I’m not making any of this up.

ANALYSIS: Machete kills is all about the immigration problem in the united states, specifically how Mexican Immigrants are taking the jobs that other Americans see as rightfully theirs.  Mel Gibson represents american industry, which is defeated by Machete’s ragtag band of Mexican immigrants.  The president even outsources killing a mexican terrorist to a Mexican, thus showing our government’s inability to tackle the problem

Tune in tomorrow kids for: THOR, THE DARK PLACE

 

 

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Half Assed Movie Reviews: Hunger Games Catching Fire


Welcome to Half Assed Movie Reviews.  These are movie reviews written by me about a month or so after I’ve seen the movie.  Why do I do it this way?  Allow me to answer your question with another question: Try and stop me?

Can I get a sandwich or something?

The Hunger Games Part Tw0: Even Hungrier left me HUNGARY for more, so I went to BUDAPEST, but stopped off in ISTANBUL and picked up some TURKEY KEBABS, though I heard they go straight to DJIBOUTI, which I can’t believe I spelled right on my first try.

BUT HEY: HERE’S MY SHORT REVIEW:

It’s good.  Go see it.  I’d give it a B+/10, which is pretty good, all things considered.

LONGER REVIEW:

WATCH OUT, CAUSE I’M GONNA SPOIL THE WHOLE DAMN THING.

So the Hunger Games Part Two: Catching Fire is the story about two young persons, Caitlin and Peter, who live in the future in a place called district 12, which is part of a country called PANAM, which sounds like an airline.  Panam is ruled from the capitol, which is a place where people make up very uncreative names for things.

Caitlin and Peter

District 12’s main exports are poverty and sadness, so imagine everyone’s surprise in the last movie when Peter and Caitlin won the Hunger Game and didn’t die.

We start off in the woods and Caitlin is hunting with her best friend, THOR’S LITTLE BROTHER, and they talk about some stuff.  Caitlin has a flashback to the first movie and freaks out and cries a lot, thusly demonstrating that she has emotions.  Little Thor tries to comfort her, and we learn that he and Caitlin have a thing for each other.

Little Thor

Caitlin meets up with Peter and they get filmed kissing and pretending to be married.   President Donald Sutherland shows up at Caitlin’s house and warns her that she better pretend to be married to Peter or else he’s going to kill everyone everywhere.  Caitlin gets scared, revealing that she can experience emotions again.

Caitlin and Peter meet up with HERMIT, who won the hunger game a while ago and is super drunk and Woody Harrelson to boot.  They all get on a train and go and tour the districts.

Hermit.

They go to the BLACK PERSON DISTRICT, known for exporting cotton, grain, and RACIAL STEREOTYPES.

District 11. Notice the Racism.  White guards… black workers… cotton fields… hmmm.

Catilin says something stupid and some people revolt and a guy gets shot in the fucking head.

Wait, I thought this was a kid’s movie.

Oh…

Anyway, Hermit tells Caitlin to knock that shit off and just do what she’s told.  Caitlin and Peter agree and knock that shit off.

They go to the Capitol, which is like a Future Utopia full of weird hair and clothes, and meet Philip Seymour Hoffman, who spends his time designing hunger games and stealing every single scene he’s in.

They get back home and some soldiers show up.  The beat up Little Thor, and Caitlin cries a lot, demonstrating she can, like, totally feel emotions.  We learn that she loves Little Thor, and Peter loves Caitlin, and Caitlin kind of loves Peter, and Little Thor loves Caitlin, and Peter and Little Thor don’t love each other.

This is a narrative device called a LOVE TWILIGHTANGLE, and it’s very useful for getting teenage girls to buy whatever it is you’re trying to sell them.

Uh-oh!  President Doland Sutherland gets on the TV and tells everyone that the winners of the Hunger Games have to go back and do it again!  Caitlin cries a lot and Peter is sad.  Then they go to the Hunger Game to do it all over again.

Clever viewers might at this point realize that this is the same plot as the first hunger games, only slightly different, cause it’s the best of the best, sort of like when they do the same sort of thing in survivor and top chef and… oh wait… the hunger games is just like a crazy reality TV show!  Wow!

The original title for the hunger games

All the past winners are pissed they have to go back, and some alliances form.  Caitlin decides she loves peter now, because she can’t see Little Thor, and so she only wants to ally with him.  He agrees.

So yeah, Caitlin and Peter go back and train and then go to the arena, which is a big clock, and terrible things happen in each section when it’s a certain time of day.  Like killer monkeys, nerve gas, and Lightening.

They Ally with AQUA-MAN, who gets a +5 circumstance bonus to all attack rolls and damage rolls when in water.  

He also has OLD GRANDMA as an ally, who gets a -10 circumstance bonus on everything, because she’s so old she can’t even talk.  Don’t worry, she dies pretty early on, so there’s no need to get too attached to her.

So Peter and Caitlin and Aquaman meet up with Science Man, Axe Lady, and ANNOYING AS FUCK LADY, who is really annoying.  ANNOYING AS FUCK LADY keeps singing hickory dickory dock, until Caitlin figures out that the arena is a clock, and then ANNOYING AS FUCK LADY keeps singing it over and over until some kin hearted individual slits her god damn throat and shuts her up.  Forever.

I applauded.  No one else did.  It was awkward.

Anyway, Science Man figures out how to blow up the Arena.  Caitlin is still suspicious of them all, but goes along for the ride.  Then, for no reason, she thinks they are betraying her, and tries to kill them all, until Aqua-Man get’s her to stop.  Caitlin blows up the arena and electrocutes herself by using Science man’s spear, and a spaceship saves her.

We find out that Philip Seymour Hoffman was a good guy the whole time and that this was all rigged and all of the districts are rising up against the capitol.  Caitlin finds out Peter has been kidnapped by Donald Sutherland, and then cries a lot.

The END

ANALYSIS:

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire is, at it’s most basic form, a critique against feminism.  Men always tell Caitlin what to do, and then she ignores them, and then people die or suffer because of it.  We see it again and again.  President Donald Sutherland tells her to tow the line, and then she doesn’t, and then that old guy gets shot.

HERMIT tells her to trust his buddies, and she doesn’t and Peter and Axe Lady get captured because of her stupidity.  There are other countless examples.  If she would have actually married Peter and let him make all her decisions, no one would have died.

Furthermore, THGCF examines racial stereotypes and then reinforces them by having all of the black people work in cotton fields.

One wonders why the hunger games movie series are so popular while having all of these negative messages.  I heard they’ve even hired an author to make them into books!

This world is a strange place, my friends.

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