Disney’s next five animated movies


Dear readers!

Remarkable!  Absolutely remarkable!  The researchers at the Miskatonic University and I have uncovered yet another post from Peter’s Awesome blog!  I’m here to share it with you now but if you’re unfamiliar with peter, you may want to read this post first, he can be a bit abrasive at times.  – The Corngoblin

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PETER'S AWESOME BLOG 2

Well, Disney is at it again folks.  They are currently making another blockbuster animated feature, the likes of which we’ve never, ever seen before.  If difficult to track genius, but I think we may be able to do it with disney.  Let’s give it a try.  THERE MAY BE A PATTERN TO THEIR FILMS.

First we had CARS, a movie about CARS.  These CARS were pretty much people, but instead of PEOPLE, they were CARS.  This movie was done with pixar, I assume only to learn the secret of how pixar makes such awesome movies.  CARS was commercially successful, especially in the toy CAR(S) department.  Merchandising for CARS was huge.  Why?  Because it’s easy to make toys based off of cartoon CARS.  In fact, that was probably the whole reason behind making CARS.  Disney can sell CARS to little kids, or rather, to their parents. It’s a wonder disney hasn’t gone for the jugular and made a movie about TOYS.

toy story

CARS is described by the acclaimed critic wikipedia as a “computer-animated comedy-adventure sports film,” which is pretty much every genre a kids movie can be, squeezed into one.  CARS centers around a car, named “STEVE McQUEEN,” who wants to win races, but ends up in BUMFUCK NOWHERE and learns that there’s more to life than racing, even though he’s a race car.  This is pretty much the plot of EVERY DISNEY PIXAR MOVIE EVER.  Something is something, but it learns at the end that it wants to be something else, EVEN THOUGH IT’S PERFECTLY DESIGNED FOR DOING THE FIRST THING IT WAS MADE TO DO.  IDIOTIC.  CARS plot is about as stupid as the idea of making a movie about CARS, but hey, at least they didn’t do it a second time.

After CARS came CARS 2, GODDAMNIT.  It was EXACTLY THE SAME AS CARS, except it was called CARS 2.  CARS 2 is a “computer-animated action comedy spy film,” centered around a THRILLING PLOT of introducing MORE CARS DISNEY CAN SELL TO LITTLE KIDS, and by that i mean THEIR PARENTS.  The plot is about oil reserves and cars WHO ARE SPIES and is JUST AS RETARDED AS CARS.  IT’S SO DUMB THAT IT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.  THEY’RE CARS, NOT SPIES, YOU IDIOTS AT DISNEY.

Anyway, we can already see a pattern developing.  Disney takes a THING, and pretends it’s a PERSON, and then makes a movie about it.  It isn’t any more imaginative than looking around your room, finding an object, and using a recycled plot from an old disney film, but changing al the people into that object.  I wonder what there next movie is going to be.

for fuck's sake

for fuck’s sake

Oh great.  It’s a movie about PLANES CALLED PLANES.  Disney is flying solo on this one, it seems they learned the pixar pattern well.  The people who name movies at disney are so imaginative.  Remember when that movie LIONS came out?

lions

The timeless A GIRL AND SEVEN MIDGETS?

A GIRL AND SEVEN MIDGETS

Or what about that classic, CHINESE PEOPLE?

CHINESE PEOPLESee?  I could name movies for Disney too.

Anyway.  Planes is probably going to be just as asinine as CARS and CARS 2 (why didn’t they just name it MORE CARS?).  I bet it’s going to be about an airplane who doesn’t want to do whatever he was designed to do.  Just you wait.

In honor of PLANES coming out, I’m going to give disney advice for it’s next 5 movies.  They should be as follows:

teeth movie

band-aids

wheelchairs

colored condoms - farbige kondome

viruses

These all look better than planes.

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20 Comments

  1. You made me snort out loud in front of people who are trying to work.

    Reply
  2. Chinese people was by far the funniest! I nearly woke up my wife and son with my uncontrollable laughter.

    Reply
  3. LOL. You are probably right!

    Reply
  4. haha..that was too funny men. This post made my morning. Japanese Animation is the place to be, from Neo-Toyko to Akira or Princess Mononoke to Vampire hunter d. Japanese Anime = great story + animation.

    Reply
  5. Hilarious! And totally dream-shattering about Cars. Poor ‘Steve’ McQueen. :p

    Reply
  6. Hahaha! I literally laughed out loud! Thanks for the laugh, it was much needed!

    Reply
  7. Thank you for uncovering another hysterical post from Peter’s Awesome Blog. That Peter is quite the funny guy. Too bad he’s not still at it. I hope you can find some more of his material to share with us. Must go cleanup the mess I made when I started laughing so hard that my grill cheese ended up on the wall.

    Reply
  8. You’re absolutely right Corn. Disney is so full of crap they don’t know the meaning of origena…orijinal….orange……new idea.

    Got to reinstall my speel checkker.

    Reply
  9. Oh, heck….Robin Williams did that shtick YEARS ago…..with “MR. HAPPY”…..

    Reply
  10. Is it bad that I’d be tempted to watch a disney movie called Viruses? I feel like curiosity would get the better of me.

    Reply
  11. Hilarious! I needed a good chuckle. Thanks for this. I’ll never see Pixar movies the same way again.

    Reply
  12. duffythewriter

     /  March 31, 2013

    Thanks for the like, gave me a chance to see your blog. Very funny!

    Reply
  13. Is “Peter” your alter ego? Lol. He’s hilariously angry mostly. Isn’t he?

    Reply
  1. Disney’s next five animated movies | darkmatterthinktank

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