How to Get 3 Million Blog Views


Dear readers,

I’ve recently been working with a team of researchers from Miskatonic University, whose main goal is the delve into the lost recesses of cyber space and uncover long forgotten blog posts from blogs that, for one reason or another, came offline.  We’ve made some astounding discoveries.  This following piece is a prime example of some of the lost treasures we’ve found.

-The Corngoblin

**********************

3 MILLION VIEWS

3 MILLION VIEWS

Hi guys!  In case you’re new here, my name’s Peter, and I’ve got 3 MILLION VIEWS, and I’d like to show you how you can too.  You guys are obviously familiar with my work since, you know, you’re on the internet, so here we go!

HOW TO GET 3 MILLION VIEWS

I go on a lot of people’s blogs, normally just to post a spam comment so they come look at mine, sure, but it still counts, and there’s one thing I always notice.

They Aint Got 3 million views

Some barely have 1,000!  PATHETIC.  That got me to thinking, why does a famous, successful blogger like myself have so many views?  I mean, so many.  Is it fair that some bloggers get all the views, while other bloggers are relegated to the blogging slums, flighting each other for 10 views a day?  The short answer:

YES, IT TOTALLY IS

It’s called natural selection, or selective blogging, or maybe even blogctual naslection.  Survival of the fittest, and as anyone in the blogosphere could tell you, I’m the fittest, because baby, I’m survivaling.  I feel bad for those pathetic bloggers who don’t have any views, so I’ve decided to take the time out of my busy blogdule (blog-schedule LOL) to try and help those poor unfortunate souls.  First off, if you don’t have many views, then

YOU’RE PROBABLY A BAD WRITER: No offense, but you should just quit.  You’re wasting everyone’s time and taking valuable views away from people like me, who want to get 3 million more.  3 MILLION.

But for those ouf us who are good:

THERE’S HOPE

Follow this list and you too will get…

THREE!  MILLION!

THREE! MILLION!

  1. USE PICTURES: They say a picture is worth 1000 words.  I say a picture is worth:

THREEMILLION
VIEWS

The Joker and I have one similarity: He likes bullets and gasoline, and I like pictures.  What’s the similarity you ask?

joker cheap

Free, even.  So use pictures.  Not only do they get traffic back from google image searches, but they LOOK PRETTY AND ARE FUN TO LOOK AT.

2.GO CLICK LIKE ON OTHER PEOPLE’S BLOGS: They’ll come look back at yours.  Who cares if they don’t read?  It’s not reading you’re going for, its views.  You don’t even have to read they’re posts, just click “like”…

big jerk

3. WRITE SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL OR OFFENSIVE, YOU IDIOT: If you make people mad, they’ll comment about how stupid you are, and tell their friends to come look at your stupid blog.  Everyone will hate you, but WHO CARES?  It’s the VIEWS.  For instance, did I tell you that Harry Potter is a STUPID IDIOT, and his books are so bad, I have no idea why he wrote them?  And that Lost is the worst thing to be on TV since they showed those videos of that school bus falling off a bridge?  LOL  And Reddit is for stupid fools that don’t know how to use 9gag.  And wordpress?  Don’t get me started on wordpress.  MYSPACE4LIFE, GEOCITES BITCH.

4. ENCOURAGE VIEWER FEEDBACK: Talk to people if they comment on your post.  IT’S ONLY POLITE.

5. DON’T WRITE BAD POSTS: If you write something that’s BAD, then people won’t want to read it.  So don’t write anything that’s bad. I know it comes easy for amazing bloggers like me, but that’s cause im a flippin GENIUS.

*****

After careful research, it was discovered that Peter had been slain, stabbed 30 times with a long knife at a meeting he had arranged for fans of his blogs.  Strangely, there were no witnesses, and none of the 30 fans who had shown up were called in for questioning.  Another internet mystery.

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63 Comments

  1. lol. I love it.

    Reply
  2. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom. As a new blogger, it’s invaluable. Or is that not valuable?

    And I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. Love this muchly.

    Reply
    • thanks for reading. And who knows? Philosophers have for ages debated whether or not something that is invaluable, by merit of being invaluable, has no inherent value. It’s good to see the quest for truth still goes on!

      Reply
  3. click to subscribe or else <<< funny!

    Reply
  4. I haven’t laughed this hard for this long in quite a while. Thank you..thank you..thank you. This was damn funny! I’m gonna miss Peter!

    Reply
  5. Truer words have not been spoken.

    Reply
  6. What great advice! I always trust what the fine scholars of Miskatonic University say.

    Reply
  7. I love this kind of s_it.

    Reply
  8. Cute and funny! 🙂

    Reply
  9. Papizilla

     /  March 25, 2013

    Reblogged this on The Ranting Papizilla and commented:
    This was funny. Really. I needed that.

    Reply
  10. mrhugo2013

     /  March 26, 2013

    I have to say this post is a bit obnoxious. Some people don’t have a blog for the views they just want to keep a personal record. Some people have just started out blogging and they may actually have lots of valid and interesting topics to write about.

    Reply
  11. Love it! Love it! Love it!

    Reply
  12. Well, I guess I better hang it up now. Thanks for your inspiration:)

    Reply
  13. Now that’s funny stuff!
    The frightening part is there are really bloggers like that out there.

    Reply
  14. Love the snarkiness, as always. Out of curiosity, I went back to some of my old posts and added picture and got twice the usual number of hits. Thanks for letting me in on the secret lol

    Reply
    • Don’t tell anyone, but i think peter might have been right all along. Not that I would stoop to such low handed skulduggery, i merely comment on him doing it. thanks for reading

      Reply
  15. AnElephantCant believe this
    He thinks Corngoblin is playing the fool
    Someone should be grilled
    To see why Peter was killed
    AnElephant thinks he was amazingly cool!

    Reply
  16. Loved it. I needed a giggle. (It would have been worth a trip here just for your Adventure Time in the background, though.)

    Reply
    • Well thanks!

      Reply
      • A talent for pissing people off is a real advantage in blogging, obviously. If you enjoy that and make a “art form” out of it, you’re on the map. OK, so let me put in a plug for you right now: You deviant! You’re disgusting! You make me sick! You’re a moron! Glad to help. 🙂

  17. I am dying laughing here. This is classic stuff. XD

    Reply
  18. It worked, the liking thing! I came to look at your blog! DAMN, EFFECTIVE.

    Reply
  19. Thanks for some crappy ( I mean great heehee!) ideas. There was some food for thought.

    Reply
  20. funny 🙂 I love your name too! paz, Abby

    Reply
  21. From such an awesome blogger how can this be anything but awesome advice – I’ll start immediately! (only 2999999 left to do)
    David
    PS thank you for following Peter’s suggestion at http://ja2da.com

    Reply
  22. Too funny!

    Reply
  23. You are TRES hilaire! Love it. 😀

    /applause

    Reply
  24. I was going to read this post, but Peter told me you couldn’t write so I didn’t bother…

    Reply
  25. Hahaha! You must have “liked” my post so I’d find this and get my head out of my ass. It’s just what I needed. Reblog! Thanks.

    Reply
  26. Reblogged this on Stop Along The Way and commented:
    I found this after Corngoblin liked my last post. It was a great way to tell me to get over myself. LOL!

    Reply
  27. This post is hilarious. Well done.
    It will surely get you traffic 😉
    You’ve officially helped millions get rich.. 😉
    You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

    Reply
  28. This is fabulous – it made me laugh! There seems to be quite a few bloggers on here that are obsessed with the amount of views they’ve had.

    Reply
  29. spam comment

    Reply
  30. funny and true!!!

    Reply
  31. I was always confident in the Miskatonic University to share only the best of discoveries wether it is about mediaval metaphysics or blogging! Thanks for the post 😉

    Reply
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