How to Get 3 Million Blog Views

Dear readers,

I’ve recently been working with a team of researchers from Miskatonic University, whose main goal is the delve into the lost recesses of cyber space and uncover long forgotten blog posts from blogs that, for one reason or another, came offline.  We’ve made some astounding discoveries.  This following piece is a prime example of some of the lost treasures we’ve found.

-The Corngoblin




Hi guys!  In case you’re new here, my name’s Peter, and I’ve got 3 MILLION VIEWS, and I’d like to show you how you can too.  You guys are obviously familiar with my work since, you know, you’re on the internet, so here we go!


I go on a lot of people’s blogs, normally just to post a spam comment so they come look at mine, sure, but it still counts, and there’s one thing I always notice.

They Aint Got 3 million views

Some barely have 1,000!  PATHETIC.  That got me to thinking, why does a famous, successful blogger like myself have so many views?  I mean, so many.  Is it fair that some bloggers get all the views, while other bloggers are relegated to the blogging slums, flighting each other for 10 views a day?  The short answer:


It’s called natural selection, or selective blogging, or maybe even blogctual naslection.  Survival of the fittest, and as anyone in the blogosphere could tell you, I’m the fittest, because baby, I’m survivaling.  I feel bad for those pathetic bloggers who don’t have any views, so I’ve decided to take the time out of my busy blogdule (blog-schedule LOL) to try and help those poor unfortunate souls.  First off, if you don’t have many views, then

YOU’RE PROBABLY A BAD WRITER: No offense, but you should just quit.  You’re wasting everyone’s time and taking valuable views away from people like me, who want to get 3 million more.  3 MILLION.

But for those ouf us who are good:


Follow this list and you too will get…



  1. USE PICTURES: They say a picture is worth 1000 words.  I say a picture is worth:


The Joker and I have one similarity: He likes bullets and gasoline, and I like pictures.  What’s the similarity you ask?

joker cheap

Free, even.  So use pictures.  Not only do they get traffic back from google image searches, but they LOOK PRETTY AND ARE FUN TO LOOK AT.

2.GO CLICK LIKE ON OTHER PEOPLE’S BLOGS: They’ll come look back at yours.  Who cares if they don’t read?  It’s not reading you’re going for, its views.  You don’t even have to read they’re posts, just click “like”…

big jerk

3. WRITE SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL OR OFFENSIVE, YOU IDIOT: If you make people mad, they’ll comment about how stupid you are, and tell their friends to come look at your stupid blog.  Everyone will hate you, but WHO CARES?  It’s the VIEWS.  For instance, did I tell you that Harry Potter is a STUPID IDIOT, and his books are so bad, I have no idea why he wrote them?  And that Lost is the worst thing to be on TV since they showed those videos of that school bus falling off a bridge?  LOL  And Reddit is for stupid fools that don’t know how to use 9gag.  And wordpress?  Don’t get me started on wordpress.  MYSPACE4LIFE, GEOCITES BITCH.

4. ENCOURAGE VIEWER FEEDBACK: Talk to people if they comment on your post.  IT’S ONLY POLITE.

5. DON’T WRITE BAD POSTS: If you write something that’s BAD, then people won’t want to read it.  So don’t write anything that’s bad. I know it comes easy for amazing bloggers like me, but that’s cause im a flippin GENIUS.


After careful research, it was discovered that Peter had been slain, stabbed 30 times with a long knife at a meeting he had arranged for fans of his blogs.  Strangely, there were no witnesses, and none of the 30 fans who had shown up were called in for questioning.  Another internet mystery.

Previous Post
Leave a comment


  1. lol. I love it.

  2. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom. As a new blogger, it’s invaluable. Or is that not valuable?

    And I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. Love this muchly.

    • thanks for reading. And who knows? Philosophers have for ages debated whether or not something that is invaluable, by merit of being invaluable, has no inherent value. It’s good to see the quest for truth still goes on!

  3. happycitizen2

     /  March 25, 2013

    click to subscribe or else <<< funny!

  4. I haven’t laughed this hard for this long in quite a while. Thank you..thank you..thank you. This was damn funny! I’m gonna miss Peter!

  5. Truer words have not been spoken.

  6. What great advice! I always trust what the fine scholars of Miskatonic University say.

  7. I love this kind of s_it.

  8. Cute and funny! 🙂

  9. Papizilla

     /  March 25, 2013

    Reblogged this on The Ranting Papizilla and commented:
    This was funny. Really. I needed that.

  10. mrhugo2013

     /  March 26, 2013

    I have to say this post is a bit obnoxious. Some people don’t have a blog for the views they just want to keep a personal record. Some people have just started out blogging and they may actually have lots of valid and interesting topics to write about.

  11. Love it! Love it! Love it!

  12. Well, I guess I better hang it up now. Thanks for your inspiration:)

  13. Now that’s funny stuff!
    The frightening part is there are really bloggers like that out there.

  14. Love the snarkiness, as always. Out of curiosity, I went back to some of my old posts and added picture and got twice the usual number of hits. Thanks for letting me in on the secret lol

    • Don’t tell anyone, but i think peter might have been right all along. Not that I would stoop to such low handed skulduggery, i merely comment on him doing it. thanks for reading

  15. AnElephantCant believe this
    He thinks Corngoblin is playing the fool
    Someone should be grilled
    To see why Peter was killed
    AnElephant thinks he was amazingly cool!

  16. Loved it. I needed a giggle. (It would have been worth a trip here just for your Adventure Time in the background, though.)

    • Well thanks!

      • A talent for pissing people off is a real advantage in blogging, obviously. If you enjoy that and make a “art form” out of it, you’re on the map. OK, so let me put in a plug for you right now: You deviant! You’re disgusting! You make me sick! You’re a moron! Glad to help. 🙂

  17. I am dying laughing here. This is classic stuff. XD

  18. It worked, the liking thing! I came to look at your blog! DAMN, EFFECTIVE.

  19. cpsingleton42

     /  April 10, 2013

    Thanks for some crappy ( I mean great heehee!) ideas. There was some food for thought.

  20. funny 🙂 I love your name too! paz, Abby

  21. From such an awesome blogger how can this be anything but awesome advice – I’ll start immediately! (only 2999999 left to do)
    PS thank you for following Peter’s suggestion at

  22. Too funny!

  23. You are TRES hilaire! Love it. 😀


  24. I was going to read this post, but Peter told me you couldn’t write so I didn’t bother…

  25. Hahaha! You must have “liked” my post so I’d find this and get my head out of my ass. It’s just what I needed. Reblog! Thanks.

  26. Reblogged this on Stop Along The Way and commented:
    I found this after Corngoblin liked my last post. It was a great way to tell me to get over myself. LOL!

  27. This post is hilarious. Well done.
    It will surely get you traffic 😉
    You’ve officially helped millions get rich.. 😉
    You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

  28. This is fabulous – it made me laugh! There seems to be quite a few bloggers on here that are obsessed with the amount of views they’ve had.

  29. spam comment

  30. funny and true!!!

  31. I was always confident in the Miskatonic University to share only the best of discoveries wether it is about mediaval metaphysics or blogging! Thanks for the post 😉

  1. Disney’s next five animated movies | corngoblin
  2. BE GENIUNE: LIKE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS – Michael Weening: via Tokyo
  3. “How to get 16,000,000 page views in 1.5 years” or “Dear Lesley Carter” | Gesundheit, Suze!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: