I’ve recently been working with a team of researchers from Miskatonic University, whose main goal is the delve into the lost recesses of cyber space and uncover long forgotten blog posts from blogs that, for one reason or another, came offline. We’ve made some astounding discoveries. This following piece is a prime example of some of the lost treasures we’ve found.
Hi guys! In case you’re new here, my name’s Peter, and I’ve got 3 MILLION VIEWS, and I’d like to show you how you can too. You guys are obviously familiar with my work since, you know, you’re on the internet, so here we go!
HOW TO GET 3 MILLION VIEWS
I go on a lot of people’s blogs, normally just to post a spam comment so they come look at mine, sure, but it still counts, and there’s one thing I always notice.
They Aint Got 3 million views
Some barely have 1,000! PATHETIC. That got me to thinking, why does a famous, successful blogger like myself have so many views? I mean, so many. Is it fair that some bloggers get all the views, while other bloggers are relegated to the blogging slums, flighting each other for 10 views a day? The short answer:
YES, IT TOTALLY IS
It’s called natural selection, or selective blogging, or maybe even blogctual naslection. Survival of the fittest, and as anyone in the blogosphere could tell you, I’m the fittest, because baby, I’m survivaling. I feel bad for those pathetic bloggers who don’t have any views, so I’ve decided to take the time out of my busy blogdule (blog-schedule LOL) to try and help those poor unfortunate souls. First off, if you don’t have many views, then
YOU’RE PROBABLY A BAD WRITER: No offense, but you should just quit. You’re wasting everyone’s time and taking valuable views away from people like me, who want to get 3 million more. 3 MILLION.
But for those ouf us who are good:
Follow this list and you too will get…
- USE PICTURES: They say a picture is worth 1000 words. I say a picture is worth:
The Joker and I have one similarity: He likes bullets and gasoline, and I like pictures. What’s the similarity you ask?
Free, even. So use pictures. Not only do they get traffic back from google image searches, but they LOOK PRETTY AND ARE FUN TO LOOK AT.
2.GO CLICK LIKE ON OTHER PEOPLE’S BLOGS: They’ll come look back at yours. Who cares if they don’t read? It’s not reading you’re going for, its views. You don’t even have to read they’re posts, just click “like”…
3. WRITE SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL OR OFFENSIVE, YOU IDIOT: If you make people mad, they’ll comment about how stupid you are, and tell their friends to come look at your stupid blog. Everyone will hate you, but WHO CARES? It’s the VIEWS. For instance, did I tell you that Harry Potter is a STUPID IDIOT, and his books are so bad, I have no idea why he wrote them? And that Lost is the worst thing to be on TV since they showed those videos of that school bus falling off a bridge? LOL And Reddit is for stupid fools that don’t know how to use 9gag. And wordpress? Don’t get me started on wordpress. MYSPACE4LIFE, GEOCITES BITCH.
4. ENCOURAGE VIEWER FEEDBACK: Talk to people if they comment on your post. IT’S ONLY POLITE.
5. DON’T WRITE BAD POSTS: If you write something that’s BAD, then people won’t want to read it. So don’t write anything that’s bad. I know it comes easy for amazing bloggers like me, but that’s cause im a flippin GENIUS.
After careful research, it was discovered that Peter had been slain, stabbed 30 times with a long knife at a meeting he had arranged for fans of his blogs. Strangely, there were no witnesses, and none of the 30 fans who had shown up were called in for questioning. Another internet mystery.