But Oh! To Be Freshly Pressed!


I am currently enrolled in a class at university called “Roman Republic and Empire.”  We have learned many things, but the most interesting fact to have lazily drifted into my mind is that the penultimate goal of the Roman experience was to win a Triumph.  A Triumph, for those of you who have not taken Roman Republic and Empire, was a parade for a conquering General, where he was allowed to ride in a chariot with four white horses as the citizenry of Rome cheered his name and shouted insults at his captives, who were towed behind the general in chains.  It’s where we get our word triumph from.  The triumph was the highest honor a Roman could receive, and was the dearest wish of every Roman citizen since time immemorial.

Triumph General

A roman general in Triumph. Note his four white horses, legionary standard bearer and captives.

“This is all well and good,” you may be saying as you slowly lose interest, “but what does this have to do with anything?  Your title has nothing to do with the Romans.”

“Why, my dear Watson!” I would respond, shaking my head and chuckling to myself, “My title has everything to do with the Romans.  Did you not know that WordPress.com has it’s own triumph?”

“Conrgoblin, whatever are you talking about?  How could you have a triumph on wordpress?”

“By becoming freshly pressed of course!  Now be quiet and listen.  Everyone who creates a wordpress blog hopes to one day become freshly pressed.  It is our goal, our dream, even!  Just like the romans of ages passed, we want our own triumph.  To become freshly pressed is to be victorious!”

Tomb Robbers triggering a booby trap

Here we see some tomb robbers becoming "freshly pressed" by a clever booby trap. Their prayers for mercy will most likely go unanswered.

But what is being freshly pressed?  Blogs that are freshly pressed are displayed on a special tab on the main page of wordpress.com!  As you might expect, this brings a great increase in traffic, which in turn will greatly increasethe ammount if people who follow your blog if it is good, or increase the amount of apathy or even hatred you receive if your blog is bad.  I have often thought that the worst sort of comment a blogger could ever receive would be a self styled Ignatius Riley replying to a post with a mere “Ho hum.”

I have always yearned for the honor of becoming freshly pressed.  There are of course criteria that one must meet to even be considered.  I have included a list of the criteria here, for your reading pleasure.

The Criteria of Freshly Pressed

1. Write unique content that’s free of bad stuff.  This includes language, images and other nasty things.  No wonder I have yet to be pressed!  I break this rule all the time.  You may have noticed the pictures in this post have deviated from my standard “google keywords and then post the image’s that a find with some pithy title” approach to blogging.  All of these new images are painstakingly hand drawn, and are owned by yours truly.  I also have written a single swear word in this post so far!

2. Have visuals.  Checkity-check!  I use visuals all the dam… err… darn time!

3. Sacrifice a bull on a full moon.  What a happy coincidence!  I do this anyway.  Well, I say that “I” do it, but that’s not entirely true.  I get my cult to help me, too.

Cult of Cybele Sacrifice

A fairly accurate depiction of our monthly meetings.

4. Cap off your post with a compelling headline.  I think all of my headlines are compelling, especially this one

That’s really all there is to it!  When these four things are completed, there will be a knock on your door.  Don’t be afraid.  Go and answer the door, but make certain to open it with your left hand.  If you have no left hand, than you must use your left foot.  A man wearing a trenchcoat and fedora will be waiting for you.  You will not be able to see his face, nor would you want to!  He will extend his hand, and you must give him exactly 3 trout fins, which he will eat.

How to be freshly pressed

The proper procedure in the vitally critical "presentation of the trout fins" stage.

Warning: Do not look away.  It is important to have your head bowed but still be able to watch him.  Upon consuming the trout fins, he will sing a song.  The lyrics are unimportant, but be sure to remember the melody, which you must hum back to him after he finishes.  Do not hum the melody incorrectly.  If you sing it back to him correctly, he will nod and leave.  As soon as he is gone, shut your door and pour salt on the floor in a protective semi-circle around the threshold, and then immediately go to sleep.  If you did everything correctly, you shall be freshly pressed the next day!  I hope this guide has helped you in your goal to become freshly pressed.  Leave a comment if it did, or even if it didn’t!  Oh, and here’s a picture of an awesome Latte I had one time.

Latte

It's from a place called Red Katz in downtown Birmingham, Alabama. Please freshly press me!

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23 Comments

  1. I’m impatient to the degree than while writing My originally intended comment I got one and a half words out before a flurry of button presses made me preejaculatory submit it. I swearrrr that never happens. Why won’t you believe me? Come backkkkk

    Anyway, food bloggers and mothers unite! You shall forever dominate FP until the helpless souls with no worthwhile opinions get tired of writing about the breakfast they made for their kids before those innocent rascals knocked it off the table.

    Reply
  2. I was almost freshly pressed, once. But I got so excited that I handed over four trout fins instead of three, at which point the man in the fedora spat on me and called me a douchecanoe.

    Reply
  3. cookiemomma

     /  April 27, 2012

    You had me laughing! You are quite the funny guy!

    Reply
  4. This is f-ing brilliant! Really warped genius stuff. Checkity check it out, man, this is beyond Freshly Pressed. They are not worthy of you. Consider my sorry ass a new follower.

    Reply
  5. So happy to be thus enlightened … You do have a way with words … Will be mindful of my blog content going forward. 😉 Cheerz and thanks again for visiting “Musings of a Horse Mom.” Dorothy 🙂

    Reply
  6. Gosh, I didn’t know any of that. I must get started on fulfilling the criteria. My goal was to be FP’ed within a year, and I have wasted 3/4 of that time trying to write well!

    Reply
  7. Wait, do I pour the salt BEFORE or AFTER I sacrifice the bull? What if I don’t have a bull, or I can’t catch it? What’s a panda to do? I too long to be freshly pressed (but not in a too squishy sort of way)

    Reply
  8. You should write a formal religious text for bloggers. Also, I think the church of Scientology might need content writers.

    Reply
  9. Oh! you stole my blog Idea 😦
    And you’re almost just as nutty… will be following so I can steal my ideas back! 😉

    Reply
  10. I can imagine how it increases the pressure to keep the momentum going, which may make one open their valve accordingly.

    Reply
  11. loosefemme

     /  June 27, 2012

    I WAS freshly pressed once, for my blog post on — wait for it — bedbugs. Now my blog is forever linked to the infernal pests in people’s minds (but not in real life, I hope).

    Reply
    • That’s great! I guess… Did you have bedbugs?

      Reply
      • loosefemme

         /  June 27, 2012

        No, I wrote about having ‘Bedbug Anxiety’ that I might get them. That is I believe the title of the freshly pressed post. It’s the highest blog hits I’ve ever gotten, like 1,500 in one day.

      • Woah! I’ve only ever gotten 250, and that’s only because I cheated and refreshed my page on a friends computer 200 times…

      • loosefemme

         /  June 29, 2012

        Just click your heels together three times, and say, “Oh! To be Freshly Pressed!”

      • loosefemme

         /  June 29, 2012

        Click your heels together three times and say, “But Oh! to be Freshly Pressed!”

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