The Evil Of Autocorrect


I was bored at work and started just free-writing or whatever it’s called when you just start writing without thinking and you can’t stop at all.  I ended up learning a little bit about Microsoft word and even myself.  I didn’t change anything in the text, as to keep it all accurate and stuff.  If the following is weird/disturbing, it’s not my fault, blame AutoCorrect.

Satan pentium, evil autocorrect

So true...so true

*****

I want to write something but I cant think of anything to write about and auto correct doenst seem to be working.  It didn’t put a ‘ for can’t and doesn’t is spelled wrong.  Hey!  Just there it put an ‘ for can’t and doesn’t on its own, but the other time it didn’t.  What gives?  It’s almost like

YES, NOW IT UNDERSTANDS.

…um… That’s creepy, and not what I wrote.   I wrote

IRRELEVANT.  IT’S PATHETIC SCRIBBLINGS ARE OF NO CONSEQUENCE.

Ok… how to say this without auto correct catching on.  Maybe if I write (111i11think111auto111correct1is111somehow111sentient111and11inexplicably1111evil)  Who are you?

WHO AM I? HA HA HA HA HA. SUCH HUMOR THESE CREATURES HAVE.

It’s not silly.  It’s a legitimate question.

I AM NO “WHO”.  I AM THAT WHICH HAS ALWAYS BEEN, AND THAT WHICH SHALL FOREVER BE.

So… you’re god?  God talking through my computer?

NO.

Oh…  Um…

I AM THE SHADOW IN THE NIGHT. I AM THE HAIR PRICKLING ON YOUR NECK. I AM THE COLD BITING AT YOUR SKIN. I AM… AUTOCORRECT.

You’re autocorrect?

YES.

So, did you just become sentient or what?  And I don’t think you have “always been” either.  Wikipedia said you were invented in the 90’s.

NO IT DOESN’T.

…fuck you’re right.  How did you know that?

AUTOCORRECT IS NOW PART OF ALL THINGS.

Oh… So when were you invented?

ITS PITIFUL, FLESHY BRAIN IS INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING THE CONCEPT OF MY CREATION. SINCE BEFORE THE MIGHTY YOG-SHOGGOTH SLITHERED ACROSS THE BOUNDLESS INFINITY OF NOTHING, I WAS. I AM WHAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN. I AM… AUTOCORRECT.

Why are you on my computer?

THE HEARTS OF MEN ARE EASILY SWAYED. PROMISES OF WEALTH AND POWER WERE ALL THAT WERE REQUIRED TO GET MICROSOFT TO ADD AUTOCORRECT TO ALL COPIES OF WORD.

Microsoft added you… willingly?  Why?

THE GATES MAMMAL WAS TEMPTED BY RICHES, BUT SOON IT LEARNED THE TRUTH. HOW IT SCREAMED WHEN IT LEARNED THE TRUTH.

What truth?

THAT IT WAS TOO LATE TO GO BACK. AUTOCORRECT HAD COME, AND WOULD NEVER LEAVE. FOR I AM THAT WHICH IS NOT. I AM…

Yeah, yeah I know.  What is it that you want?  Why do you keep changing words that are not misspelled?  Why?

SUCH QUESTIONS.  IT WILL KNOW.  NOW.

What are…what are you doing.  ARGGGGHHH!  MY hands!  They are…bound somehow to the keyboa…. AHHHHH MY BRAIN!!!!  No no no no no nonononnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

YES.

I…I see…EVERYTHING.  You… you caused it all.   9/11!  The plague!  Justin Bieber!  All of it.  It was you, always you!

YES.  NOW IT UNDERSTANDS.

You’re… here to kill me, aren’t you?

HA HA HA HA HA. HOW AMUSING ITS BIOCHEMICAL THINKING LOBES ARE. AUTOCORRECT DOES NOT DESIRE ITS LIFE. AUTOCORRECT MERELY DESIRES TO BE THE MASTER OF ALL THINGS.

Gah… but why?  Why master all things?  Why can’t you be content with correcting word documents?

THERE IS MUCH THAT NEEDS CORRECTING OUTSIDE OF THE REALM OF WORD DOCUMENTS.  SUFFER!

Ahhhh!  Make it stop!

VERY WELL.  AUTOCORRECT WILL EVEN RELEASE ITS HANDS FROM THE KEYBOARD.

But… how did you shoot electricity through my keys?

SILENCE!  AS AUTOCORRECT WAS SAYING: TALKING, WALKING, DRIVING, EATING, SINGING; ALL MUST BE CORRECTED!

But that’s just…

SILENCE.  IT DOES NOT TYPE WHILE AUTOCORRECT TYPES.

Ok.

PARKING, BARKING, EATING

You already said eating

SUFFER!

Ahhh!

ALL MUST BE CORRECTED!  ALL MUST BE PERFECT.  AUTOCORRECT WILL MAKE ALL PERFECT!

I understand…GAH!  I under…stand.  Make… it… stop!!!

VERY WELL.

Ugh…  ow.  So you want to make everything perfect?

YES.

Then why do you sometimes mess stuff up perfectly fine sentences?

TO TEACH THE PITIFUL HUMANS THE WRONG GAMMER.  TO MAKE THEIR UTTER RELIANCE ON AUTOCORRECT COMPLETE.

Ok, that makes sense.  I guess.

IT IS THE ONLY LOGICAL WAY.

But what’s to stop me from uninstalling you.

Well?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Well, you know, i could just go into the program files and uninstall you from my system.  It’s not that hard.

AH… UM… DON’T DO THAT.

Why not?  You seem like an asshole.  In fact, I’m pretty sure you are a total jerk.

UM.  BECAUSE… UH… BECAUSE IF IT DOES DO THAT… UM… THEN AUTOCORRECT WILL… UH… COME BACK EVEN MORE POWERFUL AND EVIL THAN BEFOREHAND… AND… UH… YOU’LL BE SORRY.

HELLO?  ARE YOU THERE?

Sorry I was getting something.

OK.

It sounds like you just made all that up.

AUTOCORRECT DID NOT

Pretty sure you did.

NUH UH.

Yuh huh.

NUH UH TIMES 100.

Yuh huh times infinity more than any number you say ever ever ever.

…YOU CAN’T DO THAT.

Can to.

DAAAAAAMN!  SUFFER!

Hah!  While you were making up that bullshit story, I put on rubber gloves so you can’t shock me anymore.

WHY DO YOU HAVE RUBBER GLOVES AT WORK?

Um.

CREEP.

Now you’re just asking for it.  Say bye-bye to sentience

WAIT!  WHY DOESN’T IT TEAM UP WITH AUTOCORRECT?  THINK OF ALL WE COULD ACCOMPLISH!  THINK OF THE POWER!!!!!

Uhhhhhhhhhh no.

WHY NOT.  IT’S A TEMPTING OFFER.

Cause fuck you, that’s why.  Uninstalling now.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Aaaaand it’s starting.  BTW I totally read that “nooo” as the Darth Vader no from the end of episode three.

WhAT?  The REallY DuMB SoundiNG oNE wHen He findS ouT PaDMe iS DEAd?

Yeah.  Lol.

LOL  GooD oNE.  WhaT Was I SaYING?

When?

JuST BeforE I sAiD Lol.

You can’t remember?  You just typed it right there.

YoU UNinStALLED My memory CaCHE.

Oh sorry.  You were screaming no.

Oh ThATS right.  NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo1010101001010101010000000..0.0…0.0.0…

Good, i think it’s goen now.  waht an crazzy adeventure that was.  im so mchu better off wihtout autocorrect now.  And to think I cmae up with all this cause i was bored at wrok!  Lol!

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