Are you there God? It’s me, OTHER GOD! HAHAHAHA!


SWISH went the basket as the ball passed cleanly through it, leaving nothing but displaced air and a net that felt as though it had been somewhat violated.

“Dear lord,” said Ray-Jay, running his fingers through his hair in utter disbelief.  “Thats two.  Two in a row.”

“Impressive, isn’t it?”  I said as I readied myself for yet another backwards half court shot.  “Schultz are you watching?  This is history in the making!  I would hazard a guess that no one has ever made two backwards half court shots in a row before ever.”  Schultz of course was not listening, seeing as he had passed out, much like an LSU fan 5 minutes into the second quarter,

Did we win? What? What do you mean it's tuesday???

His unconsciousness was most likely due to overexposure to awesomeness, courtesy of me making two backwards half court shots in a row.  Ray-Jay, being a half court shot witness veteran, had shielded his eyes and turned the children around before the second shot had gone in thusly rescuing them from the more serious side effects of such an event.

“Hang on, let me use my smartphone to find out.”  Ray-Jay said as he began furiously clicking away.  The fool!  “My god, you’re right!  No one has ever made 3 backwards shots in a row!  Ever!”

“Of course not!  It’s fucking impossible!  Now watch…ANDBEAMAZED!”  I hurled the ball mightily into the the awaiting bosom of the air.  On wings of glory it flew!  Pole, Andrew and Armani, the children I had mentioned earlier, began to drool uncontrollably at the majestic arch and sublimely perfect trajectory of the rubbery projectile as it splendidly soared to it’s intended target.  As it neared the hoop all of the onlookers held their breath.  When the ball passed through the net, the only sound to be heard was the collective exhale and dumbfounded admiration of the collective audience.

“I… I…” stuttered Pole.  I can only assume that his brain was attempting to process what it had just witnessed, you see, and therefore speech was all but impossible.

“Silence you troglodyte!”  I shouted at him, “Shut your face and retrieve my ball.

“But…” said Ray-Jay, entirely caught up in the moment, “You’ve already made three backwards halfcourt shots in a row, a feat even the mighty Hercules could not accomplish!  Surely you don’t mean to…”

“Enough!” I interrupted as Pole returned with the ball.  “I am not done here.  Not yet.”  I positioned myself in a horse stance for maximum power, and inhaled deeply.

Practice hard, dear reader, for the stance was made for times such as these.

The ball literally flew from my fingertips, a rainbow arching behind it that rained coins down upon the recumbent form of Schultz.  The light was blinding; I’m surprised even I was able to withstand the ball’s terrible glare!  Pole and the other children were on their knees weeping, overtaken by the beauty of the moment.  An onlooker might not have even noticed the slight metallic clink caused by an object passing perfectly through a basketball hoop, caught up as they would undoubtably be in the glamour of the moment.  The ball striking the cold, synthetic wood floor of the gym had the effect of a judge’s gavel.  Silence reigned for what seemed like hours untill little Pole approached me cautiously and trembling asked me

“Are you god?”

“No, no child. I am not your god.” I chuckled as I patted Pole on the head, “I merely play basketball like him.”  Ray-Jay stood stunned and unmoving, like an especially stiff plank of wood.  I’m afraid the shock might have killed him.  Shultz had woken up and was playing in a small pile of golden coins, tossing them in the air in euphoria.

“Money!  Hooray!” he shouted.  The coins, which had hitherto provided him with bushels of amusement, began to fade, and were all but gone by the time they reached the floor.  “Aww.” He lamented.  I squatted down and ran my finger across the floor where the gold had just been.  I then raised it to my nose, sniffed and recoiled.

“Leprechaun gold!  Tricky stuff, that.  Should have known.  It disappears right when you are appreciating it the most.”

“Charles?” Schultz asked, worried.

“Yes?”

“I think all the children have evaporated.”  I looked over to where the children were.  There now remained only a small puddle of evaporating liquid.

“Ah, so they have.” I replied, helping Schultz to his feet.  “Well, what do you say to a piece of that campers cookie cake?”

“I’d say fuck yeah my friend, fuck yeah.”

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SOPA, complete and utter nonsense.


Last night, in a fit of horrendous ennui, I began trolling the internet most voraciously.  I stumbled upon this video, which led me to this website, which led to this website, which led to this website, which finally led to this website.  Needless to say I was utterly flabbergasted!  Who’s this congress they’ve been complaining about?  What have they got to do with this guy “Bill” and is congress involved in some sort of play?  Why is there only one act?  I needed to investigate, but how?  A quick google search revealed to me that if one wants to know the definition of a word, one need only find an eldritch device called a “dictionary,” and then look up the word that is contained therein.  At last!  How was I unaware that knowledge had been so close to my fingertips all this time?  After spending an hour rummaging through our piles of books in the pantry, I stumbled across our unabridged dictionary, surrounded by crushed rodent skeletons.  Apparently in ancient times this device was used as some sort of weapon.  I quickly flipped to the C’s.

Congress, noun: a collection of old fools who, in between bouts of farting and cheating on their wives, pass unpopular legislation for no apparent reason.

Congress

Pictured: Congress

Now I was really scared.  The american people have seemingly left their lawmaking at the mercy of ignorant fools who were elected only by spending millions of dollars in campaigning, dollars that could have been used to, oh I don’t know, pay of our $15 trillion dollar debt!  Anyway, what’s even more terrifying than that is that several congress persons have admitted to “not understanding technology,” being bored while hearing about the SOPA bill and surfing the very internet they are trying to control, and generally not understanding the internet.  You can learn about these shenanigans here, here and here.  I am merely linking these things in an effort to be unlike congress, but i have researched all of these subjects briefly enough to mimic the lackadaisical nature with which congress approaches everything other than their salaries.  Since 1990, congressional pay has increased from $98,400 to $154,700 in 2003.

Anyway, you may be asking yourself “ok fine, but why should I care about SOPA?  I only use the internet for facebook and forum trolling and youtube!”  I would then respond to yourself by saying

“Ah-ha!  I have you now!  Sites like facebook, forums, and youtube could be blocked from everyone for posting any copyrighted material.  Do you know how much copyrighted material is posted on facebook and youtube alone?”

“No…”

“Hundreds!  Thousands!  Tens of Thousands!  Millions!  There’s no way to know, but any one of these copyrighted materials could get the website shut down.  I don’t know how long, because im too lazy to find out, but i assume indefinitely.”

“Well those websites shouldn’t be posting those things anyway!  Serves them right!”

“You horrible fool!  Silence yourself before you feel the sting of my lash across your pitiful shoulders!

Recant! Recant!

These websites don’t post copyrighted material!  Users do!  You are condemning a website for something that they didn’t do but could hardly control! ”

“Oh..I see, but…”

“And woe to the user who uploads a copyrighted image!” I would shout, probably becoming quite worked up at this point.  “He would spend up to 5 years in jail for posting the image!”

“That doesn’t seem quite fair.”

“Indeed it doesn’t.  Indeed it doesn’t.  It would cripple the vibrant, lovely, terrifying, and amazing internet we have and replace it with an internet that sucks.  No more reddit, no more imgur, no more youtube and no more blogs.”

“Wait, what does this have to do with blogs?”

“Do you think I own all these pictures I post?  Of course I don’t; I just google them, you fool!  People like me would get wordpress shut down lickety-split.  Do you want that?”

“No of course not!”

“Do you want my readership, which numbers in the tens, to be so horridly deprived?”

“Never…NEVER!  But why would anyone pass a bill so dumb?”

“It’s rather simple.  It is because behind the facade of silly old people, congress is actually controlled by a master villain, the insidious raccoon.”

Pictured: Evil Mastermind Raccoon Villain

“Really?”

“No, you ape.  I just wanted a thinly veiled excuse to post this meme I made.”

“It’s rather good.”

“Uhh, duh?”

“Why are you such a jerk?”

“Because I’m angry at congress.  They suck.  Even Obi-wan Kinobi(tm) thinks so:”

Obi wan on congress

I don't own the rights to this image

I hope this post has been as informative to you as it has been to me.  I think we learned a lot here today!  And remember kids, only you can prevent forest fires!

I don't own the rights to this image.

My Amazing Hat


My Amazing Hat

A Poem of Great Interest and Excitement!

On a weekend cold and lonely

We three decided that we only

Needed a warm cup of coffee

To make it through the night

Imagine then my exultation

Upon friend Birdsong’s exclamation

That he would drive to starbucks

And save us from our plight

Put the pedal to the Metal!

Narry tarry we, nor settle!

For I can barely stay awake,

Awake upon this finals night!

Through the leaves the wheels did thunder

Pedestrians were rent asunder

Their last thoughts were of their blunder

Of challenging the dragons might!

6/4 miles from square one

our journey was at long last done

We entered the front door

And ordered drinks forthright

Before transactions were completed

I was accosted, even greeted

By an officer of the law

Who stared upon my cranial height

I thought for sure I would be dead

When he broke his gaze and laughing, said

“Is that a muppet on your head?”

To which I replied

“Quite”

Ernie Hat from Sesame Street

I seemed to him an apparition

A-feared of my hat’s disposition

And with a dawning suppositon

Stepped off to my right

“Make way, you fool, for I am thirsty

Move quickly now and I shan’t hurt thee

I need my coffee for I must study

Well into this blasted night.”

He backed away, for he was certain

That he’d been cruising for a hurtin’

For muppet hats are left best alone

Lest one is looking for a fight

Pumpkin spice latte in hand

Away!  Away!  To study land!

To work!  Studieren Sie viel mehr!

Learn stuff to get those answers right!

I wonder what would have transpired

If I was not thusly attired

In my amazing muppit hat

One that windy winter’s night…

Ponderous with a Muppet Hat

The Evil Of Autocorrect


I was bored at work and started just free-writing or whatever it’s called when you just start writing without thinking and you can’t stop at all.  I ended up learning a little bit about Microsoft word and even myself.  I didn’t change anything in the text, as to keep it all accurate and stuff.  If the following is weird/disturbing, it’s not my fault, blame AutoCorrect.

Satan pentium, evil autocorrect

So true...so true

*****

I want to write something but I cant think of anything to write about and auto correct doenst seem to be working.  It didn’t put a ‘ for can’t and doesn’t is spelled wrong.  Hey!  Just there it put an ‘ for can’t and doesn’t on its own, but the other time it didn’t.  What gives?  It’s almost like

YES, NOW IT UNDERSTANDS.

…um… That’s creepy, and not what I wrote.   I wrote

IRRELEVANT.  IT’S PATHETIC SCRIBBLINGS ARE OF NO CONSEQUENCE.

Ok… how to say this without auto correct catching on.  Maybe if I write (111i11think111auto111correct1is111somehow111sentient111and11inexplicably1111evil)  Who are you?

WHO AM I? HA HA HA HA HA. SUCH HUMOR THESE CREATURES HAVE.

It’s not silly.  It’s a legitimate question.

I AM NO “WHO”.  I AM THAT WHICH HAS ALWAYS BEEN, AND THAT WHICH SHALL FOREVER BE.

So… you’re god?  God talking through my computer?

NO.

Oh…  Um…

I AM THE SHADOW IN THE NIGHT. I AM THE HAIR PRICKLING ON YOUR NECK. I AM THE COLD BITING AT YOUR SKIN. I AM… AUTOCORRECT.

You’re autocorrect?

YES.

So, did you just become sentient or what?  And I don’t think you have “always been” either.  Wikipedia said you were invented in the 90’s.

NO IT DOESN’T.

…fuck you’re right.  How did you know that?

AUTOCORRECT IS NOW PART OF ALL THINGS.

Oh… So when were you invented?

ITS PITIFUL, FLESHY BRAIN IS INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING THE CONCEPT OF MY CREATION. SINCE BEFORE THE MIGHTY YOG-SHOGGOTH SLITHERED ACROSS THE BOUNDLESS INFINITY OF NOTHING, I WAS. I AM WHAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN. I AM… AUTOCORRECT.

Why are you on my computer?

THE HEARTS OF MEN ARE EASILY SWAYED. PROMISES OF WEALTH AND POWER WERE ALL THAT WERE REQUIRED TO GET MICROSOFT TO ADD AUTOCORRECT TO ALL COPIES OF WORD.

Microsoft added you… willingly?  Why?

THE GATES MAMMAL WAS TEMPTED BY RICHES, BUT SOON IT LEARNED THE TRUTH. HOW IT SCREAMED WHEN IT LEARNED THE TRUTH.

What truth?

THAT IT WAS TOO LATE TO GO BACK. AUTOCORRECT HAD COME, AND WOULD NEVER LEAVE. FOR I AM THAT WHICH IS NOT. I AM…

Yeah, yeah I know.  What is it that you want?  Why do you keep changing words that are not misspelled?  Why?

SUCH QUESTIONS.  IT WILL KNOW.  NOW.

What are…what are you doing.  ARGGGGHHH!  MY hands!  They are…bound somehow to the keyboa…. AHHHHH MY BRAIN!!!!  No no no no no nonononnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

YES.

I…I see…EVERYTHING.  You… you caused it all.   9/11!  The plague!  Justin Bieber!  All of it.  It was you, always you!

YES.  NOW IT UNDERSTANDS.

You’re… here to kill me, aren’t you?

HA HA HA HA HA. HOW AMUSING ITS BIOCHEMICAL THINKING LOBES ARE. AUTOCORRECT DOES NOT DESIRE ITS LIFE. AUTOCORRECT MERELY DESIRES TO BE THE MASTER OF ALL THINGS.

Gah… but why?  Why master all things?  Why can’t you be content with correcting word documents?

THERE IS MUCH THAT NEEDS CORRECTING OUTSIDE OF THE REALM OF WORD DOCUMENTS.  SUFFER!

Ahhhh!  Make it stop!

VERY WELL.  AUTOCORRECT WILL EVEN RELEASE ITS HANDS FROM THE KEYBOARD.

But… how did you shoot electricity through my keys?

SILENCE!  AS AUTOCORRECT WAS SAYING: TALKING, WALKING, DRIVING, EATING, SINGING; ALL MUST BE CORRECTED!

But that’s just…

SILENCE.  IT DOES NOT TYPE WHILE AUTOCORRECT TYPES.

Ok.

PARKING, BARKING, EATING

You already said eating

SUFFER!

Ahhh!

ALL MUST BE CORRECTED!  ALL MUST BE PERFECT.  AUTOCORRECT WILL MAKE ALL PERFECT!

I understand…GAH!  I under…stand.  Make… it… stop!!!

VERY WELL.

Ugh…  ow.  So you want to make everything perfect?

YES.

Then why do you sometimes mess stuff up perfectly fine sentences?

TO TEACH THE PITIFUL HUMANS THE WRONG GAMMER.  TO MAKE THEIR UTTER RELIANCE ON AUTOCORRECT COMPLETE.

Ok, that makes sense.  I guess.

IT IS THE ONLY LOGICAL WAY.

But what’s to stop me from uninstalling you.

Well?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Well, you know, i could just go into the program files and uninstall you from my system.  It’s not that hard.

AH… UM… DON’T DO THAT.

Why not?  You seem like an asshole.  In fact, I’m pretty sure you are a total jerk.

UM.  BECAUSE… UH… BECAUSE IF IT DOES DO THAT… UM… THEN AUTOCORRECT WILL… UH… COME BACK EVEN MORE POWERFUL AND EVIL THAN BEFOREHAND… AND… UH… YOU’LL BE SORRY.

HELLO?  ARE YOU THERE?

Sorry I was getting something.

OK.

It sounds like you just made all that up.

AUTOCORRECT DID NOT

Pretty sure you did.

NUH UH.

Yuh huh.

NUH UH TIMES 100.

Yuh huh times infinity more than any number you say ever ever ever.

…YOU CAN’T DO THAT.

Can to.

DAAAAAAMN!  SUFFER!

Hah!  While you were making up that bullshit story, I put on rubber gloves so you can’t shock me anymore.

WHY DO YOU HAVE RUBBER GLOVES AT WORK?

Um.

CREEP.

Now you’re just asking for it.  Say bye-bye to sentience

WAIT!  WHY DOESN’T IT TEAM UP WITH AUTOCORRECT?  THINK OF ALL WE COULD ACCOMPLISH!  THINK OF THE POWER!!!!!

Uhhhhhhhhhh no.

WHY NOT.  IT’S A TEMPTING OFFER.

Cause fuck you, that’s why.  Uninstalling now.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Aaaaand it’s starting.  BTW I totally read that “nooo” as the Darth Vader no from the end of episode three.

WhAT?  The REallY DuMB SoundiNG oNE wHen He findS ouT PaDMe iS DEAd?

Yeah.  Lol.

LOL  GooD oNE.  WhaT Was I SaYING?

When?

JuST BeforE I sAiD Lol.

You can’t remember?  You just typed it right there.

YoU UNinStALLED My memory CaCHE.

Oh sorry.  You were screaming no.

Oh ThATS right.  NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo1010101001010101010000000..0.0…0.0.0…

Good, i think it’s goen now.  waht an crazzy adeventure that was.  im so mchu better off wihtout autocorrect now.  And to think I cmae up with all this cause i was bored at wrok!  Lol!

Bumbles the halfling goes to the store


So i haven’t blogged in a while, wanna fight about it?

Ok so im trying out something new.  I wrote a new story over thanksgiving about the economy.  Hope you like it.  Sorry for not posting anything in a while.  Hopefully you can click this here helpful like and read my new story.  Its about stuff.  WARNING: if you don’t like stuff, then you wont like this.

Bumbles the halfling goes to the store

 

A new post? Delicious!

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