A completely Unbiased and Wholly Accurate List of the Best Super Heroes Ever


There’s a whole lot of “lists” floating around the “internet” rating “stuff” like the best superheroes.  Take IGN’s list.  It’s pretty complete, granted, but very innacurate.  Superman as number one?  I’ve always thought superman was the most boring super hero ever made.  Here’s a quick summary of every superman story ever:

  1. Something bad happens
  2. Superman, who is pretty much god, flies over and almost saves the day
  3. Uh-oh!  Kryptonite shows up!
  4. Superman somehow defeats the bad guys and the Kryptonite

That’s why super man is boring.  He’s too strong for any sort of interesting conflict.  Therefore, I made my my own Completely Unbiased and Wholly Accurate Best Super Heroes Ever List! to show IGN how it should be done.  These heroes have character depth.  These heroes have weaknesses. All of these following individuals are completely 100% guaranteed superheroes and completely 100% guaranteed awesome.

Batman

POW!!! BLAMO!!!! KER-SMACK!!!!!

Batman is the exact opposite of superman.  Superman has all the powers, Batman has gadgets/no powers.  Superman has to work for a living, Batman doesn’t.  Kryptonite crushes Superman, Batman eats it for breakfast like a delicious bowl of frosted wheaties.  Batman, incase you are the same person I talked about last post who didn’t know anything about harry potter, is the sexy millionaire playboy super hero detective sleuth that everyone loves.  Here’s a mathematical equation to express batman:  this

Playboy? Check. Rich? Check

Plus this:

Bat? Check

Divided by the square root of this:

Insane actor?  CHEEEEEECK!!!!!!!!!!!

Equals Sparta.  See?  Great ingredients, great hero.  Oh, and his weakness?  Weapons.  And dying.

Frodo Baggins

Hey! It's my blog. I can put whoever I fucking want on the list

What’s that?  You trolls are saying that Frodo isn’t a super hero?  That he doesn’t have any super powers?  Oh ok.  Why don’t I just bring the one ring over to your cave and have you carry it to Mt. Doom and not get corrupted by it’s evil powers until almost the very end?

The ring of power

Deal with it.

What about the power to be really wimpy and whine alot?  That’s what I thought.  Frodo saved all of Middle Earth and therefore many, many not real people got to live out their not real lives to a ripe, not real old age.  He also inadvertently murdered millions of innocent, stinky, not real, stinky orcs! (Skip to 4:43 and you will see what i mean.  The earth just swallows them up!)  This guys a class act, and he’s only like 3 feet tall so it took him like twice as long to get into Mordor as it would a normal person.  Still not convinced?  Well, let me hit you with some logicknowledge!  The green lantern is a super hero because he has a magical artifact that gives him special abilities and uses these abilities to battle evil.  Frodo has several magical artifacts that give him several special abilities, like his glowing sword, magic troll proof armor and that bottle thing that lights up that the crazy elf lady gave him.

Yeah! That's the one!

Oh, and his weakness?  Like almost everything.  Including Lembas Bread.

Harry Potter

Looks like he's lost some weight...

Talkin bout tormented past?  This dude got it.  Talkin bout magical powers?  You better not piss him off, or prepare to be inflated like a fat british balloon, bitch.  Talkin about horrifying scar?  Check the lightning bolt, homes.  Talkin about shaft?  Yeah, I can dig it.  This dude has it all: sidekicks, secret powers and an awesome nemesis: He Who Must Not Be Named.  Voldemort.  Voldemort is scary because he looks like a snake demon without a nose and is played by Ralph Fiennes, who is a scary dude.  And yet harry defeats him in almost every single book.  Harry also has only seven books written about him, but somehow 8 movies.  If that isn’t magic, I don’t know what magic is.

Weaknesses?  Gingers.  And asian chicks.

Thor

I mean... look at this guy! He probably murders woodland creatures in his spare time, because he can.

Pop quiz: What’s cooler than vikings?  Answer: Not much.  Which viking god is the most awesome/powerful/badass out of all of them?  Answer: Thor.  Thor is what harry potter would be if Daniel Radcliffe showed up the the set of Deathly Hallows Part 2 completely drunk from a night in the mead hall, swinging a fucking magical warhammer and downing buckets full of steroids.

Speaking of Harry Potter, Thor would have taken like two seconds to kill Voldemort.  Priori Incantatum?  Try yourfacey hammershamshum!   If the Council of the Ring had asked Thor to carry the ring to Mt.Doom, Thor would have just laughed derisively and smashed it’s atoms apart with one swing of his hammer.  And then killed the whole council because he can.

"Oh shit! Thor's coming? Let's fuckin' book!"

Weaknesses?  Pissing off his dad and getting grounded.  That’s pretty much it, but it lends itself to more interesting stories than Kryptonite.

Super King

Bite his super metal ass!

Superking has all the powers of a king, plus the powers of superman.  Also, he’s a robot.  Super king first appeared in the Futurama season 4 episode “Less Than Hero” as part of the super group “The New Justice Team.”  He is super strong and his arms can extend and retract at will.  Jealous, Ron Weasly?

ron weasly broken wand

"My arms don't extend! And me wand broke!"

DEAL WITH IT.  Weaknesses?  Rust.

Gumby

"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!"

If the world were to end in a horrible nuclear destruction fiesta of doom, three things would survive: cockroaches, twinkies and fuckin Gumby.  Gumby is the nigh indestructible guy gal eunuch monster from The Gumby Show.  Gumby is super stretchy.  I mean super stretchy.  Gumby could stretch you into oblivion if he so desired.  And he does.  Gumby famously battles the blockheads, and always wins because of his unnatural stretchiness.  But as Peter Parker’s soon to be dead uncle, Yoda, once said “With great stretchiness comes great responsibility!”  Gumby, realizing this, became a hero instead of the stretchy death machine he could have so easily become..  But those eyes.  Those red eyes

dark eyes

And remeber: Gumby's watching you...

Weaknesses?  I think he’s made of clay… so water, I guess.  Oh, and probably acid.

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4 Comments

  1. Please add Hospitality Man to your next list. Gumby 🙂 Thanks for the like on my blog!

    Reply
  2. I want to throw in the towel. Arthur Dent’s towel. Where would Bender be, if Arthur’s towel never came to be.

    Reply
  3. This is gold. So many drunken debates spring into my memory of defending batman as the irrefutable best superhero of all time. I couldnt agree more with your selections

    Reply

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