Put those cookies down, Dora!


Well, its almost time for spring break and as everyone knows, the best thing to do during spring break is to sit on a beach and READ!!!  But since I’ve read all of the harry potter books like 5 times already reading has become boring and so I have taken it upon myself to go on a crusade to rekindle the long dormant spark of reading in the youth of America.

READ DAMN IT!! REEEAAAD!!!!

So I asked myself, what do people want?  People want what they can’t have.  What cant children have?  Violence, because it isnt allowed.  What do people like?  TV.   What do children want?  Violent TV.  Just look at DBZ or Power Rangers or 24 or something.  All of them are TV shows for children and all of them are super violent and/or awesome.  What is the most awesome/violent thing ever?  Arnold Schwarzeneggar!  I had inadvertently stumbled upon the perfect formula for the most winningst show EVER.  Just take any old kid’s TV show, and put Arnold Schwarzeneggar as the main character!

My first target: Dora The Explora.  Not only does Dora’s poor title pronunciation (it’s supposed to rhyme with her name) anger my spleen, but her swarthy latin charm makes her immensely popular with millions of younglings.

Bender

Pictured: Swarthy Latin Charm

*************

SCRIPT:

ARNOLD THE EXPLARNOLD: STAR MOUNTAIN

Scene opens with Arnold  a monkey wearing boots, named Boots, standing infront of some illustrated foliage on a road apparently made of sand.

Arnold: Hallo, ich bin Arnold!

Boots: And im Boots!

Arnold (glaring angrily at boots momentarily before looking at the camera): I just got a present from my grandma.  Do you like presents?

Glares at camera for a second, as if waiting for someone to respand

Arnold (angry): I SAID DO YOU LIKE PRESENTS??????

Pulls a package out from behind him and opens it.  It is a really girly necklace.

Arnold: GNAAAAAH!  Grandma, what the hell???

Hurls necklace onto the top of a nearby mountain with a giant star on the top of it, creatively named star mountain.  Suddenly a hissing sound is heard

Boots: Oh no arnold, it sounds like swiper!  (Turning to camera) That sneaky fox will steal anything!  If you see swiper, say swiper!

Goofy music plays as swiper, a masked fox, appears from behind a bush, rustling the leaves.

Arnold: NYAAAAAHHH!!!!

Hurls a machete at swiper, which connects and pins him to a tree

Arnold (coyly): Stick around.

Swiper (bleeding): You’re too late!  You’ll never find your necklace now.  You should just give up, right?

Arnold reches behind his back and pulls out a grenade launcher.  He levels the weapon at swiper

Arnold (deadpan): Wrong.

Arnold fires.  The explosion is quite large and destroys most of the foliage.  Boots is flung back several feet and knocked of his…boots…

A slightly burnt piece f paper floats down on top of boots.  Boots examines it.

Boots (awestruck): Arnold, it’s a letter from your grandma!  She says that since she forgot your birthday for the past 30 years, she sent you her necklace worth $350,000!!!

Arnold falls to his knees and shakes his fists at the sky.

Arnold (enraged): NYAAAAAH!  I really love that necklace!

Boots (hopeful): Dont worry arnold, we’ll get your necklace back!  Right?

Arnold (pulling the machete from the tree): Wrong.

Cuts Boots in half.  Turns and looks at the camera.

Arnold: You will help me, wont you children?

Waits.

Arnold: FINE!!! I AM BETTER ON MY OWN ANYWAY!!!!1111!!1!11!

Arnold heads up the path towards star mountain.  Ahead is a giant star archway.

Arnold: Now children, when we reach the star portal, the star explorers will come out and ask us why we have come.  We will set a trap for them.  Can you say plastic explosive?

Arnold scatters blocks of c4 around the area, and then enters the archway. Immediatly a brilliant stream of colorful and goofy looking stars fly towards him and circle around the immediate area.  One nerdy looking star approaches arnold.

Richter: Hello fellow explorer!  My names Richter, the seismologist star!  Youre just in time for the annual Star Party!  Great timing!  Could I see your invitation?

Arnold, who had pulled out a cigarette case during this conversation, causually lifts the case as if it were a detonator.

Arnold: Sure, here’s my invitation.

Presses a secret button on the container.  C4 erupts all around him, destroying all of the stars and wounding Richter, who flies off to the top of the mountain, screaming

Arnold: See you at the party, Richter.  Now, kinder, we need to figure out how to get up this mountain.  What do we have that gives us directions?

Waits

Arnold: IT’S THE MAP YOU IDIOTS!  SAY IT NOW!  MAP MAP MAP!!!!  SAY IT!  SAY IT NOW!

A map with a face and stuff appears out of nowhere and begins to sing

Map (singing): Im a map im a map im a….

Arnold: SHUT UP!  How do I get up star mountain ?

Map (terrified): You…you just follow the path.  Boots should know… where’s boots?

Arnold: He had to split.

Arnold crumples up the map and shoves it into his pocket.  He marches down the path, kicking  cute little star rocks out of the way and crushing a happy looking grasshopper that started to sing as he passed.  He quickly reaches an area completely covered with fog.

Arnold: GNYAAAAAHHH!!!  How can I see with this fog blocking my path??!?!?!?

A star flies in and swirls around in the air, eventually producing a fan.  It’s Helpy, the tool star!  Arnold shoots it and takes the fan

Arnold: Thanks.

Arnold blows the fog away and continues on the path.  He eventually makes it to the top of star mountain, where it appears that a party was hastily cancelled.  Cakes and banners litter the floor.  There is no one around.  Suddenly swiper appears with a bandaged abdomen, flying through the air on a snow board.  He is headed straight for the necklace!!!!

Swiper: Nyaah Nyaah Nyaah!  The necklace is mine.

Arnold quickly pulls out a stinger missile launcher and locks on to swiper.

Arnold: You’re fired.

Fires the missile as swiper reaches the top of the star, where the necklace is lodged.  Swiper explodes into 1000 pieces as the necklace flies through the air, landing perfectly in arnold’s open palm.

Arnold: He got so worked up about swiping that necklace…he fell to pieces!

Fin

********

Tht script got me so pumped that I drop kicked some kid who came into the gym when i finished it!

Advertisements

Weekly Guest Blogger of the Month


First off, i would like to let you all know that for 3 days in a row my blog had exactly 7 views.  Ideally, I would want this number to be increased by about 500,000 daily, but in folklore and myth the seventh son of a seventh son is a wizard.  I think this augurs great things for my future posts.  For instance, the day right after those 3 days of seven views had 16 views.

Speaking of views, ive subscribed to some other blogs and constantly wonder how big their audience is.  It cant be much bigger than mine

Pictured: My audience

But the way most bloggers talk, it sounds like everyone in the world is reading what they write about.  They have “guest bloggers” which are exactly what they sound like.  Guest blogging is an insidiously brilliant way to get more people to read your page.  For instance, say there is someone who has a dedicated following of thousands of readers.  I could get this person to guest blog on my page and siphon ALL of his or her viewers, at-least for a one day, skyrocketing my blog into superstardom.  Therefore, i would like you to welcome my guest blogger of the month: Cardinal Salvatore Bruchetti, the 124th Vatican Warlock Assassin Commander.

Note:  If you are not familar with Charlie sheen, just watch 

WEEKLY GUEST BLOGGER OF THE MONTH

The Cardinal

There has been alot of talk in the news lately about “assassins” and “warlocks” and “vatican” and i decided to guest post on this fantastic blog to clear the air; it’s all true. Since the great rift war of the mid 7th century the vatican defense council has kept a reserve unit of vatican warlock assassins in order to find and close any rifts to other dimensions that open from time to time.  Before I continue I would like to point that  ALL of these vatican warlock assassins are unpaid volunteers.  They dont see a dime for their noble sacrifices so please, show them some respect.

VWA’s are highly trained, super powerful win-o-mancers who are learned in the thaumaturgical arts of victory.  Training typically lasts anywhere from 10-20 years before a VWA is able to effectively combat rift demons and close the tears in space time that such creatures create.  If just ONE rift demon was loosed upon the world, the consquences would NEVER BE THE SAME.  Ever heard of a thing called armageddon?  Thats NOTHING compared to the power of a single rift demon.  Fortunately, we have VWA’s to combat these horrible evils.

A typical rift demon uttering his terrifying challenge.

Yes, Charlie Sheen is a VWA, the most decorated one in our long history.  Please show him some respect fort the good work that he does.

Pictured: Winning

And incase you people thing it is “funny” or “cool” or “lulz” to make fun of Charlie, let me tell you that he is literally addicted to winning.  If he doesnt win at everything always, he goes through horrible withdrawals that cripple his warlock powers for hours on end.  WE CANT AFFORD THIS. If Charlie isn’t leading around his band of VWA’s (called a troupe) the world might very well end.  So please, lay off Charlie sheen, the future depends on it.

Peace be with you

%d bloggers like this: