Here is Subzero, now Plainzero!


I have been aware for quite some time that there is a death metal band out there called “Austrian Death Machine” that made a song clalled “Get to the Choppa,” like the famous line Arnold said in Predator. And yet, even with my fantastic brain, I did not know how awesome the band truly was until today.  Here’s there album cover

...lol

Here are the tracks off that album:

  1. “Hello California” – 1:25
  2. “Get to the Choppa” – 2:47 (Quote from Predator)
  3. “Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers” – 2:23 (Quote from Last Action Hero)
  4. “All of the Songs Sound the Same” – 0:13
  5. “I Am a Cybernetic Organism, Living Tissue Over (Metal) Endoskeleton” – 3:34 (Quote from Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  6. “Come with Me If You Want to Live” – 3:46 (Quote from Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  7. “What It’s Like to Be a Singer at Band Practice” – 1:18
  8. “Who Is Your Daddy, And What Does He Do?” – 3:11 (Quote from Kindergarten Cop)
  9. “You Have Just Been Erased” – 2:21 (Quote from Eraser)
  10. “Broo-Tall Song Idea” – 0:39
  11. “Here Is Subzero, Now Plain Zero” – 3:08 (Quote from The Running Man)
  12. “So Far, So Good, So Let’s Talk About It” – 0:42
  13. “Screw You (Benny)” – 2:49 (Quote from Total Recall)
  14. “Why?” – 0:25 (reference to Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  15. “If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It” – 3:43 (Quote from Predator)
  16. “It’s Not a Tumor” – 3:16 (Quote from Kindergarten Cop)
  17. “Not So Hidden Track” – 2:49

So incase it wasn’t already apparent, Austrian Death Machine is a death metal band based completely around bad Arnold Schwarzeneggar puns.  Clearly this is the most awesome band in existence ever.  How could it possibly get better?

Oh wait….

it does

Not only is Austrian Death Machine the pet project of one of my favorite death metal singers (read screamers), As I Lay Dying vocalist Tim Lambesis, it turns out that Tim does absolutely everything in death machine: Drums, base, guitars, vocals etc.  One guy.  As far as extra help goes, he only brings in a guy that sounds like arnold to do some voice work and celeb guitarists for solos.  Now i know what your thinking, “If this post had any more arnold related awesomeness in it, my brain might explode from Awsoverloadsomeness!”  Well get ready to hire a maid, because your about to have some dirty walls

That video has probably left you speechless.  I know I am.  Thats why I’m blogging.  I think Samford needs to stop doing plays like the Odd Couple or Thoroughly Modern Millie and needs to do more plays completely based around Arnold Schwarzeneggar.  In fact, I think most things that I don’t like would be better if the Arnold from the 80’s were in them.  Take Two and a Half Men.  How much better would it be if instead of whoever is Charlie Sheen’s brother being Charlie Sheen’s brother, it was Arnold Schwarzegger?  And Arnold’s Son, the original “half” mentioned in the title, was also Arnold Scwarzeneggar?  In case you need to brush up on your arnold puns, watch this.

Good now you’re ready.

*****

Scene opens in Charlie Sheen’s opulent casa.  Arnold is sitting in a chair and Charlie is at the piano.

Charlie: Hey I need you to leave tonight, since I am such a successful whatever and have women over all the time.  I have some woman coming over who was attracted to me because of my money and boyish charm!

Arnold: But I was going to teach my son, Arnold, how to kill things tonight.

Charlie: My house, my rules.

Arnold (screaming in rage as he lunges at Charlie): NYAAAAAHHHH!!!

Charlie (panicked): Arnold, calm down!  We’d go somewhere else but my car is broken!

Arnold walks over to a window overlooking the cliff Sheen’s house sits on .

Arnold (Smiling wryly/insanely): Need a lift?

Arnold hurls Charlie Sheen out the window to his horrible doom, luaghign maniacly.  He turns to little arnold, who has been watching the whole time.

Arnold: In the 30 years ive known him, thats the fastest he’s ever fallen for a girl!

The both laugh, along with the studio audience.  End Scene

*******

As you can see, my version of the show is approximately 45 BILLION times better than the original and would be a lot cheaper to produce, seeing as there would be only one episode that would last about 4 minutes.  Since this is already the most popular show on TV, according to advertisements I saw for it, my new version would be so popular that TV would probably be cancelled forever, because, you know, why bother anymore?

Or hey, what about Jersey Shore with Arnold?

*******

Scene opens with the situation up in Arnold’s grill.  They are on the roof or something.  I dunno… I’ve never watched this show. Whatever.

Situation: You wanna see the situation (points to his abs)

Arnold (smiling): You’re a funny guy situation.  I like you (suddenly changes to a serious face) that’s why i’m going to kill you last.

Situation (spitting in Arnold’s face): That’s the situation

Arnold (Grabbing situation by the neck and hoisting him over the roof): NYAAAHHHH!!!!

Situation: But i thought you said you were going to kill me last!

Arnold: I lied.

(Drops situation)

Rest of jersey shor crew shows up on the roof.  Things are very tense/awkward.

Arnold (smiling) Allow me to break the ice.

One of the characters…i dont know who…i doesnt really matter…snookie or whatever: You… You Killed the situation!

Arnold: I did nothing!  The pavement was his enemy!

End Scene

In case it is unclear to you by now, literally everything is better with the Arnold in it.  I find putting arnold in stuff he’s not meant to be in is absolutely hilarious, so ill do more of it later.

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